Nothing Big Going On...

Shopping is my therapy. I say, why pay a psychologist $100 an hour when I can buy shoes? They make me feel just as good. I have my own style. I'm not flashy, but stylish. I like my clothes simple, but elegant. Very girlie, but no frills and lace. My man and I met up at the mall and shopped for a few hours yesterday evening after I left the hospital. I was so proud of him. He is one of those go in, get what you need, and get out type of brothas(like most men). But, yesterday, he waited patiently while I shopped. I am on this dress craze, so I went from store to store, trying on and buying dresses. He never complained once.

I went into this store that I like to see what they had. The store has chairs right outside the dressing room, and he was sitting right across from the door. I would try something on, and come out and get his opinion, (even though I already had my mind made up), on the dress. After about the third dress I notice that there are two other ladies in the dressing room. One keeps walking out as I am walking in, and my curious behind had to see where she kept going. She was doing the same thing that I was doing. She was asking MY man how her clothes looked. He didn't reply, he just nodded and smiled, and she turned around and went back in to change her outfit. He didn't say anything. He just continued to sit there, in the way only he can. Not really looking at anything, but taking in everything at the same time. I just went in and quickly put my clothes back on and grabbed the dresses that I wanted . I made it out before she did. I walked out and told my man that I was finished, and I was ready to go. He had a little smirk on his face. He and I both knew exactly what I was doing, and I think he liked it. As we were walking away, I saw her coming out to ask his opinion on another one of her outfits. All she saw was the back of his head and and empty chair. Sorry...she better go get her own! Small gestures like that boosts his ego. He thought that I was a little jealous, which I really wasn't, I just didn't like the fact that she was asking his opinion on her clothes...Ask someone who works there...but, he liked it. I could tell. He likes the fact that I am in control of my anger these days... After that, he couldn't keep his hands off my for the rest of the trip to the mall. I just gave up because I saw that I wouldn't get anything accomplished. He wanted me right then and there, so we headed for the exit. We wanted to see who could make it to my house first....He won darnit!

He is into spontaneous sex when he really cares about a woman. He can do it anytime, anyplace. I am a little more reserved, but I am not a prude. I can't just be hiking my dress up anywhere. But,I'm not saying that I haven't stolen a moment...We have had some freaky encounters in some of the weirdest places....A utility closet...driving down the highway at night... in his parent's attic... I know that spontaneity is something that he likes, so I compromise, and go with the flow. Let's just say that I didn't get much accomplished for the evening. We ordered take-out, .and I woke up this morning feeling like a new woman!

Where are some of the weird places that you have had sexual encounters?

Do you think that sex is better when you know and care about a person, or is it better when you first meet someone and you start having sex on a regular basis?

Humbling Experience

I had an humbling experience this weekend. One of my childhood friends, that I am very close to(we went to the same school...church...college) is very sick. She lives in Houston now, so I don't see her like I see my other friends. But,she is one of the few people that I will sit and talk to on the phone often. She just got married a little over a year ago, and she and her husband are happy. She has no children, and according to what the doctors are saying at this point, she may not be around too much longer.

She called me a week ago, complaining about her leg and she said that she had a slight pain in her back. She said that it was hurting and beginning to swell a little. Not to the point of where it is noticeable to other people, but to the point where she noticed. I knew it had to be serious because my friend never complains about anything! I convinced her to go to the doctor(she has always been terrified of doctors). I had been calling for about 3 days with no response and I finally heard from her on Saturday. She was in the hospital here in Dallas. She found out that she has lupus, and will have to undergo dialysis 3 days a week. The disease has attacked both of her kidneys and her liver. The doctors don't know what caused the disease and said that she will not live long without a transplant. For those of you who have never experienced dialysis, it is something that I hope you will never have to go through, or see anyone else go through. She will also have to undergo chemotherapy. She and her husband are moving back home. She wants to be close to her family and friends. She thought enough of me to call me, even will she was feeling bad. Not because she wanted something from me. She called because she knew that she hadn't talked to me in a few days, and she knew that I would be worried about her. Despite all that she is going through, she was still thinking of me! That is amazing to me!

We are the same age, and she was just getting her life on track, and something like this happened. My friend is one of the most positive people that I have ever met. She has been through so much in her life. She overcame it all...graduated college and grad school...despite the fact that she was doing it with no financial support from anyone( my mother sent her care packages with a few extra dollars, but that was hardly enough to make ends meet for her). She did it all with a smile on her face. I have yet to hear her complain. I don't complain very much, I am normally the person that all of my friends vent to. But this is the one friend that I could talk to, and the whole conversation remained positive. That is so rare! She has a way of turning things around. Always looking at the brighter side of life. Even now when she is sick, all she keeps saying is, "I have lived a life of dreams and happiness. I have achieved many of my goals, married a man that I love, and I have had friends that are dear to me. What more can a girl ask for?" Even though today I am still a little sad for my friend, I am grateful that she is a part of my life. Her positive nature helped me early in the game...when I had a child...when I was in an abusive relationship...when I had given up on myself...it was her words that helped me through my self pity party and helped me to snap into reality. She helped me realize that even though I had people around me that cared about me very much, I ultimately had to take control of my own happiness!

I hate hospitals...the way they look....the way they smell...But I knew that I had to be there for my friend. When I walked into her room, she just smiled. She talked about her disease in such a positive manner. Even though I was prepared to cry, for some reason I couldn't. She didn't look like herself, and she had tubes all over the place, but she was still smiling like she always did.

I love my friend for so many obvious reasons, but most of all, for just being herself. Forever positive...forever moving forward...forever making things happen. I was prepared to stay with her as long a she needed me, but she refused to let me sit there with her. She said, please go enjoy the holiday weekend. If not for you, get a little sunshine for me. I don't want to see you again until Tuesday, and when I do, you better have a tan and a load of stories to tell me about the whole crew. I know how much you hate these places...I promised her that I wouldn't tell my other friends yet. She says that she is not ready for the dramatics...

I did enjoy my weekend. I am going to visit her for a little while today. I talked to her this morning, and all of this is taking a lot out of her, but I could tell that she was still smiling.

I didn't write this post to make anyone sad...my friend would NEVER want that, and even though I want to cry at this point, thoughts of her will not let me cry. This will be my first and last post about her...just because of how she is. She wouldn't want anyone to be feeling sorry for her, she would just say," I'll be fine...and how are you feeling?. "

I just wrote this to say....Surround yourself with positive people...Even if it is only ONE positive person. Keep them near and dear. Even though I don't know what may happen to my friend at this point, I know what she will doing...smiling through it all. I can hear her saying right now, "Girl, does this purse make me look fat?" She always had me in stitches. Happy for no reason at all...Happy just because she woke up.

There are no thought provoking questions today...Just positive thoughts of a positive person.

Why?

My brain is on auto pilot this morning...But I do have a few thoughts seeping through...


-Why was it already 75 degrees when I went running at 5 a.m. this morning?

-Why does my neighbor insist on running with me, and talking, even though I have my IPOD on at all times? Plus, I have asthma. I can't run and talk at the same time!

-Why does the new couple across the street keep inviting me over, when I am home alone (they never invite my man)? What are they trying to do to me?

-Why do whites in Texas turn their noses up at blacks, but tan for hours to get their skin to look like ours?

-Why do white women with brown skin children keep giving me dirty looks like I've done something to them?

-Why can't I stop seeing cute sandals...and buying them?

-Why do women wear open-toed shoes without getting a pedicure?

-Why did I almost have to fight this lady over a dress that I wanted yesterday? It's not my fault that one of YOUR employees put the wrong price on it.

-Why did I get it at sale price? I would have paid full price for it because I wanted it, but if I can get my way...Why not?

-Why did I get approached by this fine a** guy, and he started stuttering when he asked for my number?

-Why did I just walk off and start laughing?

-Why did I see crazy a** Alana (the stalker chic that wants to be friends) in the mall yesterday?

-Why did she call me twice last night?

-Why does my man insist on having the last word in a disagreement?

-Why do I just ignore him and change the subject, and I know he going to get pissed?

-Why do I enjoy angry sex so much?

-Why did this tall piece of dark chocolate come and sit at my table at the mall yesterday, and talk to me, and when he questioned me about my ring, I smiled when I told him that I wasn't married yet?

-Why did he try to give me his number?

-Why did I smile, get up, and walk away?

-Why did he smile and walk in the other direction?

-Why did we both look back?

-Why is my friend so afraid to come out of the closet? He openly admits that he is gay around us, but in public, he is living a lie.

-Why do I feel sorry for him and wish that there was something that I could do to make it easier?

-Why do I wish his dad wasn't an a**hole? Why is his family trying to force him to stay in a relationship with a woman that he cares for, but will never love the way she deserves to be loved?

-Why does this woman know that her man is gay, but refuses to let him go because she feels that she will never find anyone like him?

-Why does he keep feeling guilty for what the breakup may do to her? What about him?

-Why does he continue to stay with her, and have a man on the side that he brings to all of the functions at my house?

-Why did they look so happy together at the pool party, and d*** near started to cry when they had to go their separate ways?

-Why is he hurting three people in this madness?

-Why do I continue to keep my mouth closed and just support my friend in his efforts?

-Why am I tired of asking questions?

Need V.S. Desire

I am dragging this morning...I pulled an all nighter with my man last night, and believe me, I am paying for it this morning...I need a nap in the worst way!

School is out for the summer here in Dallas! I'm giving my daughter a week to relax and do nothing, and then she's going on vacation with my parents. Two whole weeks without my child. What am I going to do with myself? Then when she gets back she'll be home for a week, and then she'll be gone with her dad for a whole month, and I'm going on vacation for a week with the whole crew! We have been planning a trip for almost a year, and finally our schedules will permit us to all go at the same time! I can't wait! Whew...I love summer! I know I will miss her terribly, but it is a much needed break. I pay for my child to go to school, and seems like I spend more time teaching her than they do. At the school that she attends, they have a weekly family reading assignments and projects. I actually learn a lot doing things with her. Her last project was to raise silkworms. They eat mulberry leaves and turn into white moths. They eat a lot, and we had to drive around looking for a mulberry tree. It was a mess! The first one hatched out of its cocoon yesterday, and we set it free. One down, four to go...Like I said, I'm glad school is OUT! I'm getting carried away like I'm getting graded on it...

Desire is a strong force. There is a big difference between desire and necessity. Once our needs have been met, desire kicks in. People in general desire many things...fortune, fame, love, friendship, companionship. But where does necessity stop, and desire begin? Is it enough to just have food, shelter and clothing? Or do you need a car to drive as well other things?

What do you need/desire for yourself? Here are a few things that I need as compared to the things that I desire...

I need my child to be healthy and happy.
I desire for her to grow up and do great things with her life.

I need my family.
I desire that they are all getting along, doing well, and are well taken care of.

I need a place to live.
I desire to have my own house w/all of the amenities.

I need a car to get around here.
I desire a nice car.

I need clothing.
I desire nice clothes, shoes, and accessories!

I need to take care of myself.
I desire to take care of everyone close to me.

I need enough money to take care of my daily needs.
I desire enough money to take care of me, and to be able to do other things that I want to do.

I need to be loved by someone. (Whether it be family or friends)
I desire to be loved by both my parents, my child, my, brother, and a man that loves me more than life itself.

What do you need vs desire in a mate/ potential mate?

I need for my man to be honest and loyal...

I desire for my man to (these are in no particular order)... be intelligent, financially stable, attractive, well-spoken, trustworthy, a ONE-WOMAN man, excellent lover, thoughtful, concerned about the things that affect me...enjoy some of the same hobbies that I enjoy...Listens when I speak...Hold me when I just want to be held...I'll stop there. I could go on and on.

I see that my desires outweigh my needs. I took care of my NEEDS first, then I started working on my DESIRES. Hence the reason that I feel complete. I am grateful to have the things that I need and most of the things that I desire.

What are you doing to make sure that your needs are being met, and your desires can be attained?

If you get all of the things that you desire, but don't take care of the things and people that you need in your life, you will incomplete. No amount of money can cure loneliness. Money can buy acquaintances, but it can never buy a true friend or lover. You can have the money to buy anything that you want, but at the end of the day, the things/people won't be there for you because they care about you, they'll only be there for the money that you can put into them.

Take the time to invest in yourself...
1)Physically- Take care of your body...no one else will, and you only get one... 2)Emotionally- Love yourself unconditionally... 3)Intellectually- read books, take courses, educate yourself, explore new things...the mind is a muscle and should be worked out like any other muscle in the body.

Also take the time to invest in people(giving your time, and your heart...not your money), because when it is all said and done, that's all we have left.


To recap the questions for today's post...

Where does necessity stop, and desire begin?

What do you need/desire for yourself?

What do you need v.s. desire in a mate/potential mate?

What are you doing to make sure that your needs are being met, and your desires can be attained?

Me...Selfish...What was I Thinking?

I'm crazy to even think that I have a selfish bone in my body! After checking my finances, I can see that my giving heart has got to slow down a bit. Every time I think I feel myself going down, something good happens to pick me right back up.

This is the second time that my job has given me unexpected funds. I got my review yesterday, and found out that I was one of the few people elected to receive variable pay! My boss didn't tell me how much it was, he just said it was a little something given to selected employees for outstanding performance. When my boss handed me the envelope yesterday evening, I smiled, said thank you ,and walked out of his office. I walked around and checked on my employees, said my hellos to my co-workers (things are looking different around the office).

I got to my car and opened the envelope as soon as I got in. Can you say chi-ching! It was sooo much more than I expected. I am setting some of the money aside to do some much needed summer shopping, and the rest of it will be invested. But not in the traditional type of investment...I have enough of those to last a lifetime...I invest in people. I try to help the ones that are close to me when I see they really need it, without them having to ask. If one of my friends are busting their butts at work, and living check to check to pay bills, I give the a little something to go out and do something nice for themselves. This is the reason that I am VERY selective in my circle of friends, and I am quick to cut them off when I feel they are trying to use me!

At first I was going to use the money to give a couple of the girls in my teen group, that are graduating this year, a little something to help with college expenses. I have changed my mind. I will give them something though. I stumbled upon the idea of starting a scholarship fund, through another blog that I frequent, and I will be giving them money through that fund that I established earlier this year. That way I can write it off on my taxes! So it's a win win situation for everyone! But truly, charity starts at home! I have opted to take the money and set up a fund for my cousin with the six kids. The way I see it, she can only milk the child support system for so long. When one of their daddies doesn't pay, I am the one that she calls on. Even if she does get a job, child care alone will take up most of her money. So this way I will have money to give her without hurting my own finances.

Just when I was starting to think I was being selfish, I get the opportunity to help someone else, and prove to myself that I'm not.

Do you have some thing that you want to invest in, if the funds are available?

Selfish

At times I can be selfish, but it's not intentional. I have patterned my life to make ME happy. But I often forget that my decisions don't just affect me anymore. Now that I have taken my relationship to another level, my decisions affect US. So if anything, I am selfish towards my man at times, because he makes small sacrifices for our relationship ( although I do the same for him), and I expect him to.

Those of you that read my blog on the regular know that I have a close circle of friends that be a bit crazy at times...My man accepts me, and my friends. He is normally the one who steps in to resolve many of the situations that we having going on. But now, my friends are beginning to drive me crazy. Finding a balance between my friendship and my relationship is starting to get hectic, because I have a few Needy people in my area.

My daughter was with her dad yesterday, so we were able to have a little time to ourselves. After I finished with my work for the day we decided to meet at his place for a nice quiet evening. While I am on my way to his place, my pregnant friend w/the cheating husband calls to see what I am up to. I told her that I was going to hang out with my man. She just said okay, in a sour tone, and hung up the phone, without telling me what she needed. She tried to call me back 3 times while I was on the way to his house and I didn't answer the phone. You can't just hang up the phone on me and expect me to want to talk to you a few minutes later. I know she is really going through some things right now, so I try to overlook her moods, but she is really beginning to tick me off on a regular basis. Now mind you that this is the same chic that 1) I left standing in the middle of the baby store for talking crazy to me...2)My friends and I pulled funds together to help her get her mortgage payments straight....3)I let her and her husband live with me when they were having problems...and too many more things to name in one post!

I got to my man's house, and he decided that he wanted to go to a movie. As we are walking out of the door his phone rings. He answers, and guess who it is, MY FRIEND. After he answers, he tells her to hold on, then he tells me who it is. I'm like, "Why is she calling you?" He says, "She says she is calling for you. You won't answer the phone. She says that is not feeling well, and she needs you to stop by." Of course I have a big question mark over my head by now, but I get on the phone and ask he what she needs. She says, "I don't need anything, but I had to get you on the phone. I just want my friend back. You have changed. Everytime I need you, you are with him, going to meet him, or soon will be with him. That's why I called you on his phone. I knew that the only way I could get you to listen was through HIM." I didn't even have a response for what she said. At first I was confused by what she said. Then I got mad. I was too mad to talk to her. I knew I would say something that I would later regret, so I just hung up the phone on her. The old me would have cursed her out in a split second, but the new me just hung up. Anger Management really works wonders for me!

WTH? I know that I spend a lot of time with my man. He as well as my daughter, are a part of my everyday life. But what's wrong with me being happy for a change. I include my friends in my life...but why can' she accept the fact that I have a life that doesn't revolve around my friends anymore. They are used to me being available all day, everyday. It's not that way anymore, but I don't think that I'm being selfish. I'm just living my life. The reason that this got to me so much is , my cousin (with all the kids) , said the same thing to me. She said that I was being selfish now that I was happy. When did it become selfish to live your own life. Just because I am not the built in babysitter for my cousin, or the constant shoulder to cry on for my friend, doesn't make me selfish. I do what I have to do to keep my sanity, and if my man helps me to do that, that I'm doing something right. Am I in love that much to where I have forgotten about my friends? I think not! I just love MYSELF enough to know when I have had enough.

I honestly think it is selfish of them to think that they are the only thing only my mind everyday...

Do you think it is selfish to take time out to do the things that make you happy?

Do you feel that it is selfish of friends/family, to depend on you no matter what you may be going through(they excuse the fact that you have things going on)?

Insecurity

The pool party was great! My sunroom was the hit of the party. Being that it was 95 degrees in the shade, we opted to stay in there in the AC, chill, eat, and play cards until the sun started to go down. Then we swam for a few hours. Ambitious provided the alcohol and music(he has connections through his club). It turned out better than I expected. There was a little drama though.

My man is very supportive of the way that I live. I work, take care of my child, and enjoy my life. I never sit and wonder where he is or what he is doing ( although 90% of the time he is with me....) when we are not together, and he doesn't worry about me. We are together out of desire for each other. My friend Ambitious has a girlfriend that he has been seeing, and for a while now. At one point, they were talking about marriage. She is a very pretty girl. But her insecurity is driving him crazy. She has only been around us a few times. She never wants to hang with his friends (we can a handful at times). He likes hanging out with us, so I know that is a problem for him. She comes around on the rare occasions when I have small, private dinners at my house...but when you have friends like mine, dinners are rarely private. When I cook, it's like they smell it a mile away because someone always wants to come by. He says that she doesn't really like crowds, which is cool. I am the same way for the most part. I really only like to be surrounded by people that I know, but I make exceptions at times. I go to restaurants, private parties, and clubs on occasion...but I'm not really into the big party scene. If he speaks to anyone while they are out, she questions him about where he knows the person from. Even men...she thinks that a guy could be his But anyway, she never really comes around.

She came to the pool party. She stuck to him like glue. Everywhere he moved, she moved. Whenever someone said something to him, she would ask who it was, and what they said. She really needs to loosen up. I don't think that she has realized that we all knew him BEFORE he started dating her, and if any of us liked him, she would not be in the picture. Plus, if he had someone else that he was involved with, why would he invite her to the same party? Some people just don't think. He was irritated by the way she was acting. I must admit, she was getting on my nerves too...and I wasn't the only one that noticed, we all did.

Ambitious pulled her to the side to talk to her. I guess whatever he said hurt her feelings because she started crying and went and sat in the car ( and might I remind you that it was hotter than a sauna out there). He came back to the table and started playing cards like nothing happened. We all sat there and stared at him, waiting for him to say something. He didn't say anything, he just gave me that "what did I do?" look. My man( the peacemaker), and I went to check on her. She was sitting in that hot a** truck, sweating and crying. I tend to have a shut the f*** up and shake that s*** off type of attitude when it comes to my friend's mates so my man, knowing how I am, opened the door and told her to get out of the hot truck and come in the house. We went into the kitchen( I didn't want her sweaty behind on my couch) and sat at the island. My Boo gave her some water and tissue and asked if she was okay. She was still sobbing. I just sat there looking at her with a blank look on my face, trying to figure out what he could have said to make her cry that way. She stopped crying long enough to tell us.

She said that he told her that if she doesn't get her insecurity in check, this will be the last trip that she would be making with him...anywhere. She said that she knew how insecure she was. She told us how she checks his cell phone( and actually calls the numbers back), his pockets, his body( for any unrecognizable marks), his wallet and his truck for numbers...she said a lot more, but I'll stop there...that's enough to drive anyone crazy. ( I just saw something like this on Dr. Phil last week.) My Boo just sat there shaking his head. I asked her, in a disgusted tone, "why do you do that?" She said that it gives her a sense of security. I asked if he ever cheated on her and she replied no. So where did the insecurity come from? She said she is like that with all men, and she was not changing. If they didn't like the way she was, they could just step. I bet she didn't tell him that! But you know I couldn't let my boy go out like that. I know, it was messy, but she was on the verge of messing up my good day... She was about to let how she was treated in the past mess up a good thing with a good man...

I went outside and got Ambitious. He was annoyed by the whole situation, but he came inside. Her newfound courage melted when she saw him. He said "What?" ( I had never seen him act like this with a female...she must have really made him mad.) She just started crying again. Then my Boo said, "Tell him." She looked at Ambitious and said, "I'm sorry, but this is me. This is how I am. If you can't accept it , then we can't be together." He just sat there with a straight face and said, "Okay, get your things, I'll take you home." I rode with them because he was acting weird. My man stayed and watched the party. She didn't live that far from me. He walked her to the door, hugged her and said goodbye, and got back in the truck.

We pulled off and he let out a sigh of relief. he said, "She just did me a favor. I have wanted to do that for a long time and didn't want to hurt her feelings. I have so much going on with me, and she just added to the madness. Being a club owner, I get calls from all types of people trying to use the club. Part promoters, event planners...I have lost too much business behind her craziness. She called and cursed out a lady that was trying to give her daughter a bridal shower on a Sunday afternoon. The club is closed to the public on Sunday, but I rent it out for private parties. By the time she finished with the lady I lost the party. the she had the nerve to accuse me of being with the lady...and that's just one occurrence. There have been many more. I have had enough." We went back and partied like nothing ever happened. I guess when you are fed up, nothing really matters anymore.

After the party, and I ended up having a ton of company staying over until Sunday morning. My man made breakfast for everyone, and we sent them on their way. I am still a little tired from the whole thing, but even with the little situation with Ambitious and his jealous chic, I had a good time.

Insecurtiy plays a big part in people's lives. How they look, how they act, how they dress, who they choose ot be in a relationship with...

Why are some people so insecure?

Why are some people reluctant to change self-destructive behavior? Do you think they really feel that it is okay?

Why do people mess up good relationships and then complain about being lonely?

Can't Wait For The Weekend!

My job has been killing me the last couple of days. I had a project that was put off on me because one of my colleagues had to fly out of town due to a family emergency. His head was not in the right place when he turned it over to me, so I had to start at square one. I had 2 days to complete a project that he had been working on for two weeks. With lots of effort and little sleep, I finally got it finished and turned in. It felt like school all over again!

In celebration of a job well done I have decided to use my job issued laptop, and my Ethernet connection provided by my job to do absolutely NO work today. I plan to catch up on all the blogs that I really haven't had time to read.

I am throwing a pool party this weekend. I got a new grill, and I can't wait for my brother to crank it up tomorrow. I know it's going to be some mess later because I was selective in who I invited. I invited my Saks friends, and eliminated my Walmart crew(if you know what I mean). I just want things to go smoothly. Plus I've got new s*** and I don't want to have to worry about anything getting messed up. I haven't been in my pool this year because I was waiting on the contactor to finish my sunroon. It is gorgeous. I enclosed the patio, and put tinted glass around it (that glass cost me a grip!). It has an air conditioning unit of it's own. I'm only going to run it when someone is out there. I'm not trying to buy the electric company! I removed the French doors that I had, and put in glass doors between the house and the sun room so that I could get some natural light. I also got a small bathroom( it has a shower,sink, and toilet...no bathtub) built in the corner of the sunroon. My man brother bought me a portable bar that I can move out there. Now I can have parties OUTSIDE, and no one has to go into my house for any reason. It is going to be a whopping 98 degrees today, and it will be 96 degrees tomorrow. I used to have a jacuzzi oo my patio, but it turned into an expensive MESS! Too much maintainance for me. My parents bought me a clear electric cover for me pool. It really looks nice, and you can stand on it . It put a new meaning to the term Walking on Water. But I keep having this vision of someone falling through it. I guess it will take some getting used to. But indeed, I am sooo blessed!

My man, my friend Softspoken (he is still in town, be he is leaving Monday, and will be gone for a month...I am really going to miss him) and I, are going shopping this evening, for everything we will need for the party. I got a new bathing suit that I can't wait to put on! My man's washboard abs are goign too look so sexy with that water glistening all over them... and if we had a contest for best body...Ambitious would win it fair and square. (I could never tell anyone that...but it is obvious!) All these fine specimens will be walking around my back yard...scantily clad...Oh My! Thank goodness I have a privacy fence in the back...Whatever happens in my back yard, stays in my back yard!

Although I enjoy having classy parties of my own, I am not above letting it all hang out, and having a good time! I like hanging with my other friends...just on their turf. Tonight, my man and I are going dancing at a reggae spot that we love. It is a whole in the wall, but it's always packed...and everyone is dancing! My Saks friends wouldn't be caught dead in this place. We will be hanging with the Walmart crew. They might be a little rowdy, but they know how to have a good time, and adapt to any environment....plus my friend has a thing for Trini boys...she loves to see them dance. The one thing I love about Caribbean people is, they know how to have a good time. I can't wait...good music...good food....and no worries!


What are your plans for the weekend?

What kind of parties do you like?

Dare To Be Different

What is normal? People are so quck to talk about others that they very seldomly take the time to look in the mirror and see themselves. That really drives me crazy. Who are we to look down on others. Now I know I am fabulous...but I don't feel that I am better than anyone else. I just love myself!

My friend has a serious problem with her self esteem. I won't go into detail because this post will be too long. Let's just say, I have figured out that a couple of cards are missing from the deck. I tried for so long to help her, but she is a grown a** woman, and at some point, she has to do it for herself. She is starting to self destruct. Between work, and her mental crisis, I am on the verge of tears. She cares so much about what people think of her...what they say. I could care less. People don't make me or break me. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not made of stone, but I actually have to care about what a person has to say for their comments to get to me. I change for ME ( and my man IF and only IF I am doing something wrong)...I wear what I want...say what I want...and do as I please. I am not in a some ploy to rule the world...just MY world.

I wish she could get it through her head that not everyone will like you. If she understood that, things would be so much easier for her. She lives off the opinion of modern society....Her hair...style of dress...the way she eats...the way she talks...Are all a product of what she thinks other people will like, not what she likes. I don't even think she knows what she likes for herself.

It has to be sad to know know who you are or what you want.



What "irks" you?

Hey!

My work has me tied up today. Just wanted to stop in and say hello to my fellow bloggers! Shout ot to Ladynay...I'm here, but I'm swamped!

In true Luvin' Me Fashion, I have to hit you guys with a question...

Do you really believe that people can be secondary vergins...After a vow of celibacy, is it possible to start over?

When You Need Me...

My man and I were sitting and talking yesterday. We do that a lot. What we have is more than physical attraction. We are connected on a deeper level. We can talk for hours...about anything. He found out yesterday that one of his close colleges, and friends, had a heart attack in his sleep Sunday night. I met him for the first time Friday night. He and his wife seemed very nice. He was in shape...and his heart was fine...He ate right...He didn't have any apparent physical...He was an avid runner...Didn't smoke or drink...The doctors said that stress caused his heart to stop beating. He was only 27 years old and had only been married for a year. He allowed his work to kill him!

It's times like these that make you realize just how short life can be. That's why I love and live my life to the fullest, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. I have relied on my man for strength and support, but yesterday, he needed me. He was in a solemn mood, and he just wanted to be held. For a while, we didn't say anything. We just laid there, holding each other tightly, both lost in our own thoughts. When he finally spoke, he said, "I am grateful for so many things."

He said, "I am grateful that you came into my life, and rescued me from myself. I was lost in my work, and so wrapped up in myself, that I didn't care how anyone felt about me or the things that I did. That could have been me. I have done a lot of wrong, but in the end, the right that I have done, outweighs it all. I put so much focus into my job, and myself, that I didn't realize that there was something better out there for me...You. I didn't think that love like this existed, nor did I think that I possessed the ability to love a woman in this way. I am grateful for everyday that I am allowed to make you happy, and I am glad that you have the power to keep me happy. My friend put all of his time into his job,and you know what, his replacement starts today. He hasn't even made it in the ground and someone else has already taken his position. I don't want that to be me. I know that I will be replaced on my job if anything ever happened to me, but I don't care about that anymore. All I want to care about is, that I can never be replaced by my family...or in your heart. That's all that matters to me at this moment. "

I didn't say anything...it wasn't a question. He didn't need my opinion. He just needed my support. He needed a rock to lean on...In his moment of hurt, I just laid there, holding him, not speaking, not crying...in silence...giving him what he needed...Me.

I am grateful for so many things as well...

I am grateful that I have breath in my body...

I am grateful that I have a healthy, happy child...

I am grateful to have a man who loves me, and shows it every single day. Someone that I can talk to about anything, no matter how bad I think it may be. Someone who cares for me, sometime more that I care for myself. Someone who knows what I need, even when I can't figure it out...

I am grateful for my family...

I am grateful that my brother and I are extremely close, and I can go to him for anything...

I am grateful to be blessed with good friends...My best friend especially.

I am grateful that when I lay down at night, I don't have to wonder where my next meal will come from...or if I have money to buy the things that I need, and most of the things that I want.

I am grateful to have a good job at this point, and medical insurance that will cover me and my child, just in case something happens to us...

I am grateful to be raised by parents who taught me some hard lessons that people NEED to learn...How to be independent and take care of myself...How to love someone...How to treat others...How to give freely to help those in need, without wondering what I'll get in return...How to make my own money, and manage it properly...

I am grateful for a mother that helped me to have a Plan B...Who taught me how to invest and save my money...so just in case things don't work out the way I think they should right now...I have another way to go...

These are just a few of the things that I am grateful for...

What are you grateful for?

I Love Being A Mother

Mother's Day was wonderful. The fashion show was a big hit. Diva stole the show, and his mom is cool. My mother had a great time. My Boo's mom acted a little funny at first. Turning her nose up at my "guys who like guys", but as soon as she saw that no one really gave a d*** what she felt , and she was in their territory, she straightened that up fast! She's a nice lady, but I can see that I am going to have my hands full (everything can't be perfect.)

My Boo and my daughter wouldn't let me do anything. My daughter insisted on making me breakfast, and I had some of the worst pancakes that have ever eaten in my life (but I would never tell her that). She gave me my plate, then she and my Boo stood over me(he had a smirk on his face) and watched me eat them. She sat there smiling, and said, how do they taste mom? Of course I smiled, but I couldn't lie to my child, I said, "They taste like nothing I have ever eaten before in my life." She smiled and took it as a compliment. But she kept sitting there, watching me. I wanted to throw them away so badly. So I just pretended to be full, and she finally got up. My man rescued me with a glass of orange juice so I could to wash it down. I think that made it worse, but I was just happy that she thought enough of me to make me breakfast.

We took a trip to the mall on Friday afternoon, and my man and my daughter went one way, and Softspoken and I went in the other direction. We met up later, and they had bags from the toy store. I just shook my head at my Boo. That little girl has him wrapped around her finger for sure! I bought a couple of dresses and skirts. I love to wear dresses in the springtime. It's something about a cute dress and sandals that make me feel extra girlie...

Normally, I get home made gifts that mean so much to me. Softspoken went by my mom's house on Saturday and helped my daughter make me a vase that was really nice. He filled the vase with calla lilies( My favorite!). I was happy to get it on Sunday morning. My Boo and I went to help my friend set up for the fashion show. I didn't stay long. It was too much confusion for me. Everyone wanted be on charge. They all wanted to put their little twist on his idea, but he wasn't having it.

My daughter talked my man into buying me diamonds. I got a new bracelet! She talked her father into buying me diamonds as well. My Boo was not happy about it AT ALL! When my daughter gave me the gift, he didn't say anything, but the look in his eyes told me everything that I needed to know. I thanked my daughter when she gave me the earrings(which were really nice)from her and her dad, but I made a BIG fuss over the bracelet that she gave me from her and my Boo...The male ego is a trip! It's crazy how me acting like I liked his gift twice as much put him at ease. LOL.

After the fashion show on Sunday afternoon,all the mother's and kids went to my mom's house, and we all went to Nate's for drinks(even though I don't drink), and some live music. We had a ball. We danced until we dropped. My man knows he can dance his butt off! A man that can dance is so sexy to me. I think it's the confidence that he shows when he moves, and the way he smiles...It turned me on in the worst way. I was sooo glad that my daughter was already asleep when we went to pick her up. She went straight to be when we got home.

We got started in the shower...out of the shower...woke in the middle of the night, and went for round three! What a day!

How was your Mother's Day?

You Can Never Be Too Safe

Although my man and I are in a monogamous relationship now, it hasn't always been that way. We have been messing around for a couple of years now...doing the sex thing. It was on a call me when you need it type basis. But we decided to try our hand at the relationship, after years of head board bangin', and it worked out better that we both imagined. In that time, although we've trusted each other, we would get tested every six months. We didn't want any 'heat of the moment" slip ups.

So for the last time before we are married, we got tested. I am pleased to report that we are both NEGATIVE! I got my results yesterday. Whew. My girls thought I was crazy to insist on us doing it. Crazy or not...I'm alive! After what happened to my friend who is pregnant and contracted herpes from her cheating husband, I'm not taking any chances. I also have a friend who is afraid to get tested. He says he doesn't want to know. Now that's crazy... As my grandmother used to say, " All that book sense and not a bit of good old fashioned common sense."

I have to know. It helps me sleep better at night. Some people don't know just how important it is.

This weekend, we will be celebrating with our friends...to, as they say, see what we will be missing. We will also be getting ALL of our mothers together for the first time, on Sunday afternoon... even the ones that don't live in Dallas. It took a lot of planning to pull it off. Some of my friends' mothers are a trip, FOR REAL! But, still I can't wait. My friend has put together a fabulous "Look What You Made Me Wear" Fashion Show and dinner. We gave him childhood pics of us from various ages, and he remade the outfits. My Boo had this one pic in some shorts and cowboy boots, and you know my boy took it and ran with it. We will be modeling them for our mothers ( including families anf friends). Give that boy some fabric and a sewing machine, and he will blow you away! I can't wait to see how it turns out. I know we will be laughing for days.

I am sick of people asking me questions about the wedding. All the details! I don't know! I am not the typical southern belle, who dreams of having a big wedding. I really don't even want a wedding. I would be satisfied with a nice ceremony, with my family and closest friends, and taking a trip somewhere. But both of our mothers are off the chain with the details. I have barely been engaged for a week...Dang! We are strongly thinking about pulling a Martin and Gina (the Martin Lawrence fans know what I mean). We would only take my daughter, my brother, Softspoken and his beau, and my Boo's best friend and his girl. Then let my daughter fly back with my brother while we honeymoon. Our parents would be SOOO upset, but they are already driving us to that point, and we have no clue when we are going to get married! When I say, I don't know what colors I want, or what theme I want, they look at me like I'm crazy. Should I know what I want already? Was there some type of manual given to girls when they reached adolescence that I missed? If so, could someone please overnight me a copy?

Well...on with the questions...

Do you feel it is important to know your status? ( All of you sexually active individuals know what status I'm talking about)

Do you feel that people should be tested, even after they are in a monogamous(and I use that word cautiously) relationship, or even after they are married or committed to a partner?

For those of you that believe in marriage...What would your dream wedding be like? What colors? Feel free to email me any ideas that you may have at luv2luvme99@yahoo.com.
I will take them ALL into consideration.

I Just Know

This is sort of a two part post...Just a couple of realizations that I had...

Yesterday I made a discovery that has taken me back to the gym.

We were talking to my Boo's best friend and he made a joke about fat people. Then he said, "Why does every crew...clique...circle...have a fat chick/dude?" I laughed it off at the moment. But the insensitive statement that he made stuck in my head. Why was it bothering me so much? I thought of all my very close friends, and they are all slim(even the pregnant one...She is all stomach...) with the exception of one(but she's more like a shopping buddy, so I guess she doesn't count). The grim reality came over me...I'm the fat chick in the clique. I mean, I not fat, by any means...but by who's standards? I am thicker than all my other friends...Happiness is affecting my hips...So with that...It's back to the gym for me!

On a better note. I had someone ask me how I know that my Boo is the man for me...How I know that what we have is real. She and her man have been dating for 3 years now, and she's ready to marry him, but she doesn't know where he stands. I thought for a moment and realized that I know that I am loved. No doubt about it. He shows me everyday. Then there was the question that she thought would be hard for me to answer, but I surprised myself at how easily the words flowed from my lips. "How do you know he loves you...I mean really? What you two have seems too perfect. I know there has to be something that makes you question his love. How do you know?"

How I know he loves me...

...He tells me every morning when I wake up, and every night before I go to sleep.

...He doesn't try to solve my problems, he supports the solution that I come up with whether he agrees with it or not.

...In those moments when I don't want to say anything, he just sits there, quietly, until I am ready to speak.

...By the way he kisses me.

...Buy the way he talks to me.

...By the way he touches me in just the right way, in all the right places.

...By the way he makes a big deal about the "creations" my daughter makes for him.

...By the way he mats and frames the artwork of a little seven year old girl that I love so much, and hangs it in his place like it's a Picasso.

...By the way he takes the time to listen, and not just hear what I am saying. He never gives the impression that he is too tired or too stressed to listen...he just does it with no complaints.

...By the way he considers my feelings and others before he speaks.

...Because he is consistent in his efforts and he is a man of his word. If he says he will do something...it's already done.

...By the way he sits up with me at night, with a sick child that's he is not the father of...

...By the way he tells me out of consideration what he will be doing for the day, so I DON'T HAVE TO ASK, and if there is a change in the plans, or something goes wrong, he thinks enough of me to call me and tell me be beforehand. So I never have to wonder.

...By the way all of my worries seem to fade when he comes around.

...By the way that he looks at me every time he sees me.

...By the way that he compliments me. Even on the smallest things. My hair...my dress...he notices EVERYTHING! Even when I'm having a bad day he'll say things like..."You have the most beautiful eyes I have even seen." Not in a sappy way, but rather at the most unexpected times...When I'm doing laundry...when I'm cleaning the house.

I could have gone on and on, but I stopped...

All she could say was..."D*** girl. They don't make them like that anymore. You really have me thinking now. We are nowhere near that point." I said to her, "You have to do what works for you." "My man is different from yours, and you can't expect them to do the same things. Either love your man for who he is, or let him go. Don't try to change him into what you think he should be." My man and I have our little spouts here and there...I mean, who doesn't. People think that we have a perfect relationship because I don't go to others when I have a problem with him, I take it to the source...and we handle it. By the time I talk to my friends about it, it's''s over and done with. My friends can't solve a problem that I have with my man. Only we can solve it. That is a lesson that I had to learn, and I'm glad that I did.

That conversation made me appreciate what I have so much more. If you can't sit and think of reasons why you are with a person and how you know for a fact that the person cares for you or loves you, then more than likely, that person is not for you. I know that women hit on my man all the time ( If they didn't I would think that something is wrong with him)...and know that he meets new people everyday, but do I worry...No. Because I trust him, and I am determined to love him, no matter what the outcome may be.

He says things to put me at ease. He and I were having a conversation the other day about relationships. He said, "Any man can be in a relationship, but only a real man can be with you, and stay with you. It is very easy to cheat, it takes no thought...no real feelings. But relationships take time and consideration." I understood exactly what he meant by that, but I wanted him to say it...I didn't want to assume that I knew what he was thinking. I wanted to know where his head was. He said,"When you really love someone, man or woman, and you are in a relationship with them, cheating is never an option. When things go wrong, you just find better ways to love them. I want to love you as much as I can for as long as I can."

A couple of years back, I wouldn't be talking about love in this way. I didn't have a clue that this type of love existed. But now...I'm wide opened...


Can you think of reasons why you are attracted to...like...love...sleep with...are in a relationship with...are married to... the person you are with?

Did I Miss Something?

If one more person calls me to ask why I didn't tell them about my engagement, I am going to scream! First of all, I rarely call anyone for anything. Secondly, if you don't write a check to pay my bills or sleep in my house every night, I don't feel like I have to tell you anything! Get over it...

With all my happiness, I had to have a little drama sprinkled in...Actually I got a double dose...

My daughter's dad, and a few others actually called me with an attitude because I didn't call them and tell them I was getting married. WTF? I didn't know I had to make a community announcement. I am not rushing into marriage. I accepted a proposal, but we are still taking it slowly. I told my parents, my brother, and closets friends, but I stopped there because they understand exactly where I am coming from when I say I want to take it slow. I don't want anyone asking me if we've set a date, or have chosen anything for the wedding. The answer is NO. The only thing that I have chosen, is to be with this man for the rest of my life...end of discussion.

...And speaking of friends...My friend with the cheating husband actually got pissed off at me because I am getting married. She said that I am not supporting her while she is going through this tough time. She feels that I should have waited until after her divorce was final, and she had time to recover, before I decided to get married. I had to ask her, "Since when did my happiness depend on what you are going through?" Of course that pissed her off even more. I love her as a friend, but she should love me enough to let me have a shot at happiness too. I am trying to keep telling myself that it's the pregnancy that's making her act this way, but that's BS. She has a terrible attitude towards marriage...Actually, towards men for that reason. She says that my Boo and I put too much faith in each other and our relationship. I try not to get mad at her, because I know that she is going through a lot, but if you can't be happy for me then Shut The F*** Up! Don't say anything about it. If she wants to be miserable, then so be it. But I am tired of her trying to take me down with her, EVERY TIME!

I am a person that absolutely HATES when a person brings up what they do for me! She said, "When you and your father couldn't get along when you were 16, and you moved out, who was there for you? When you had your daughter at 18, Who was there for you? When you and your father were putting your relationship back together, who was there? She went on and on. I couldn't believe it.

Thank goodness for anger management. It is actually working for me. I refrained from knocking the hell out of her pregnant a**! I didn't allow myself to stoop to her level. But between the BIG money that I have given her...The late night rides that I have taken against my better judgment with her to throw bricks through her boyfriends windows or slash tires( I have been an accomplice in all of her vindictive ploys even though I am totally against it)...Co-signing for s*** that she never paid for, and I ended up paying for it to keep my credit in tact...Lending her my car when she had no way to get around....Letting her and her husband stay with me when they first got married....This list could go on for days!

I am not mad at her, I am hurt. If she had a problem with me, regardless to whether I was right or wrong, she should have taken it up with me. She said all of this in the middle of the store, in front of my Boo and plenty of people that I didn't know....She said all of this while my Boo and I were out buying a bed and a stroller for HER baby. She asked me to be the baby's godmother. I have been asked by several people, but I always decline because I didn't want the responsibility. I was going to tell her YES, but I have changed my mind. That baby is going to have it hard enough with the broken relationship that she has with her ex. I don't want to be in the middle of that, and I hate that the child has to be in it...I didn't allow myself to cry. I just left her standing right there in the middle of the store by her d*** self. I bet she'll' think twice next time. MY checkbook is closed! She thinks she has all the answers. Having a baby is hard work. It's even harder when your finances are tied up in a divorce. I don't do yo-yo friendships or relationships. When she gets it together, I'll be happy to be her friend with the understanding that I am not going to allow her to throw tantrums at will, and still remain her friend. It's not my fault that her marriage didn't work and now she going through problems. It's just sad that I am a MUCH Better friend than she is.

I guess my Boo understands now why my best friend is a guy. I'm moody enough without adding other women into the equation.

I went home, and enjoyed the rest of the evening with my man and my child. We are happy, and who cares who else doesn't like it! I'm just glad that when I close the door to my house, all the drama is on the other side of the door!

Boundaries

All this hangin' out with my Boo has left little time for everyone else...

With love, it is also important to have friends in your life....Girls, and guys. We told our parents yesterday. Everyone is happy...but you know with me, there has to be twist..more details on that later...I don't have the energy for that right now.

My friends are taking us out this weekend to celebrate. They are calling it our "See What You Are Missing" weekend. With love like this, I don't mind missing it!

My best freind Softspoken( at least he is that way with everyone else) and my Boo have different ways of doing things which make them both special to me. Generally, my man will try to tell me things without hurting my feelings. He is delicate with his words. My friend just tells me like it is, whether I want to hear it or not.

My friends VS My Man

My man would say,"Are you going to wear that?"
My friend would say,"Girl, go take that s*** off. I know you didn't think you were going with me looking like that."

My man would say, "It's going to be okay."
My friend would say, "Girl shut that s*** up! It ain't worth it"

My man would say, "Please answer your phone today. I need to talk to you about something."
My best friend would be knocking on my door if I don't answer my phone.

My man would try to talk things out and must be provoked before he will fight.
My best friend will be right beside me, fighting now and talking later.

Softspoken and I are two peas in a pod. We are so much alike that it is scary! He travels with his job, so I don't get to see him as much as I would like to. We talked for hours yesterday. The he came over and we talked some more. He is happy for me, but he is also sad. Marriage can really change things. Now, he can come to my house when he wants, eat, sleep...Do whatever. When I am married, he won't be able to do that anymore...I guess that makes me a little sad too.

My Boo made the comment yesterday, "How is it that you can stay on the phone with that man for hours at a time, but you hate the phone." My reply was, "The same way I can talk to you for hours at a time. When people have something to say, and I want to hear it, I talk. I talk to you because I love to hear your voice, and I want to hear what you have to say. I talk to him, because he has something to say as well. " He wasn't upset, and he took the BS answer that I gave him....What I really wanted to say was, "I talk to him because I want to. That's my friend. He needs me too!" But, I just couldn't do it. I avoided comparing the two of them...I would have been setting myself up for disaster...It's just different. I answer the phone for my family, and for my Boo, and for Softspoken, but if I feel a person is calling me with meaningless chatter, I don't answer. I just call them back later.

I don't think my Boo is jealous of Softspoken. At least he doesn't show it. But only time will tell. Even though Softspoken is gay, deep down I think that my man feels a little threatened my me being so close to another man.

Honestly, I can see where my man is coming from. I would feel a little strange if a woman was spending the night at his house...gay or straight. Trust is one thing, but being just plain stupid is another. This is something that I need to discuss with him soon. I need to see where his head is.

I know that people can have good friends of the opposite sex that they are not attracted to. I have a few. But is the other person in the relationship ever completely comfortable with the friendship?

Do you think that male and female friends can maintain good friendships after they married to someone?

Are men/women threatened by their mates being close to someone of the opposite sex?

On Cloud Nine...

I'm still on cloud nine this morning...We haven't told anyone yet...We haven't had time to. Friday evening, we drove to San Antonio to relax on the Riverwalk. My Boo had planned a mini-trip for us, which I knew nothing about, but it was a pleasant surprise. It was romantic. He's turning me into a mushy mess! We got back last night. The ambiance of our hotel was to die for. We even took a trip to the spa. Being that I am allergic to just about everything, I opted for a massage, manicure and pedicure. My Boo got the royal treatment. I think he needed it more than I did.

Our Hotel

I am sex-hausted, and loving it!

I have never been to the point of passion that made me cry. I made it there this weekend, and so did he. It was an experience that I will never forget, and one that made me love him even more.

I have never really seen a man cry(in a situation that was not sad) before...He opened up and cried. He wasn't balling and slobbering all over the place...Just silent tears in the heat of the moment, that let me know that what he felt was true. He looked into my eyes, and we cried together. Whew, I'm getting worked up just thinking about it! I got it bad! I cry all the time...At movies...heck, sometime I even cry at sad commercials. But this was different. This time, I cried for us. I've shed so many joyful tears over the past few days, I don't think I have any left!

Many people never reach the point of true happiness because they don't allow it in their lives. You have to really want it for it to come. Not because you're lonely or because you see others happy and you envy them. You have to want it for you, and you have to really know what you want. When I wanted happiness, it was no where in sight, because I was looking for it and had no clue what to expect. I tried to make people into what I wanted. Then it crept up on me when I least expected it, and I almost let it slip away. Because of past hurts...because of my fear of being loved...because of my disbelief in true love...I almost lost out on what was meant to be. Because my heart was tainted...but it healed. With time, with love, with realization. I heard people say so may times, when it's real, you just know it. That is true. It just feels right.

I have been in good relationships before, but this is not the same. My mother always told me to find someone that loves me more than I love them. I don't think that is possible with us, but I know exactly what she meant. I had to find someone who could fulfill my needs without me having to ask...Someone who knew me, accepted me and loved me just as I was. He made it easy for me. Relationships are hard enough without all of the excess baggage.

People really don't know what they want. They are willing to accept almost anything, just to be with someone else. I decided that if I can be picky with my clothes, and my appearance...why can't I do the same with my heart? I decided that I was going to put as much effort inside as I put outside. I had to really love me first...completely. After I really embarked on what loving me was all about, I knew exactly what I wanted. But I also allowed myself to become a little too critical at times. I was overtaken by the what-ifs and whys. But that has changed, and I know what it feels like to be loved, and to give that same love in return.

Are you open to love?

Do you believe that love really has the power to heal?

Finally

I love my man. So what am I waiting for? Why am I hesitating? He makes me happy. He is good with my daughter although he has no kids...He's nice looking, well dressed, and well spoken. Educated, successful, and has his OWN(and might I add...good credit). He is an excellent lover. So many women/men would JUMP at the chance to be with this man. He is a dream. But I have him...and why can't I just say yes...

What's holding me back? Maybe it's the fact that I have worked so hard to get to where I am today, and I don't want to welcome the possibility that my total independence will be gone. Someone else will have an equal say in what I do on a daily basis. Just the thought of that scares me for some reason. I am not restricted by my job...The fact that I have a child(her father and I equally share in the responsibility)...The money that I spend(I'm not frivolous with my money, but I do work hard and buy the things that I want)...I basically do whatever I want, and I feel like with marriage, that will be gone.

I feel a little selfish about the whole thing. My need to be in total control of my life, is the one factor that is holding me back from the man that was made for me. I'm not a control freak, but past mistakes have taught me how to be ready for the things that life tosses my way. We have had several long, drawn out discussions...How we need to make sure that the household can be ran on one income just in case something happens...The possibility of having another child in the house...The best way to resolve issues in the household...You know, the important things. The sad part about it was...He was really starting to think that it was him. I have given so much to others and I have started to feel like I have to keep something for myself. He's asking for the only thing that I have left....ME!

I went to his place last night after my teen group. He ordered dinner in. He called, and of course I didn't answer my phone, as usual. He had no clue what I wanted, and I am a very picky eater, so he got a little bit of everything. It was a nice little spread, a bit much for two people, but that's my Boo...Always aiming to please.

He wasn't talking much, so I knew something was on his mind. I asked what was wrong... It turned into a conversation that I was not ready for, so I thought( I remember the whole thing. It keeps replaying in my mind like a song)... He said, "Do I make you happy?" I said, "Of course you make me happy. Why would you ask me that?" I already knew the answer...He said, "Because you have not said yes, and it bothers me." I sat there in silence for a moment, trying to think of a way to explain the way I was feeling, but I couldn't find the words. He kept going...He said, "I love you. I don't think I could stop loving you if I wanted to. I have never met a woman that I can just be myself with. I enjoy you, even on your bad days. I am ready for you. The whole you. Your highs and lows. You are the woman that I want in my life...Forever." By now I am crying, but he didn't stop to ask if I was okay, he just kept going..."I would give you the world if I had it. You are the one that completes me. I need you in my life. You and your child are my everything. Please give me the chance to show you how much both of you mean to me." He finally stopped speaking, and looked me straight in the eyes. Then I uttered the word that he had been waiting weeks to hear, without a second thought... "Yes".

At that point, I didn't think about a date, dresses, flowers, or bridesmaids. I was just happy to be with him. I have found true love...The kind that makes even the biggest arguments, turn into laughter...The kind that makes you both smile when you see each other, like you are seeing each other for the first time, over and over again...The kind that takes only a touch to comfort any pain...the kind that is patient and enduring, loyal and honest...the kind that I knew I would someday find...the kind that some people will NEVER know...I have that in my life, and yes, it is worth preserving.

I know marriage is risky and it's hard work. Both of our parents have seemed to make it work...They have put something in us that makes us want to have the same...We have a solid foundation. Trust, honest, COMMUNICATION, the same views on most issues, and a strong physical desire for each other. I'm not going to go into this situation with thoughts of what may happen. I am just going to love him, as much as I can, for as long as I can...

Maybe I can stop crying long enough to post some questions...


Do you feel you will ever find true love? Or do you have it now?

How will you know when it's truly what you want?

What do you feel a true love could bring into your life that you don't have already?

I'm ll Over The Place!

Just call me scatterbrain today, because my mind is in a million different places...

I am getting a new laptop from my job today! There is nothing wrong with the one that I have, but we are issued new computers every year. Since the company I work for sold their computer division to Dell, it gets more and more interesting every year. I am fortunate. My job pays for it all...Internet, home phone lines, cell phone...everything! I don't have a particular work schedule, but it is practical to get things done during the day while I have the house to myself, and while I have support teams at my disposal I am cautious...seeing that I am blogging and web-surfing on their time, I try to limit my time on the computer.

To answer a few lingering questions...

It actually took 3 posts to get this story out...

The Drama of Friendship

And Then There Were Two

It Gets Deeper

Sadly, my friend with the cheating husband w/ two kids outside of the marriage...tested positive for Herpes.

As for "High Class"

Misery Loves Companyand

I Want Some More

Our friendship is OVER! After a few more run ins...she slowly faded out of the picture.

My weekend Fiasco

My Boo's crazy Ex has stopped calling...but you never know with her.

The Skin I'm In

Diva found someone new (I knew he would)...and they are taking it slow...

And Last But not least...

My Cousin is NOT keeping the baby.


Tell me why two people got into an argument in Anger Management? I thought they were going to fight. It was funny as hell, but I was annoyed because we had to stay longer while the instructor took us through an excise on "How to Agree When We Dsagree."

The girls in my teen group are doing well. So far, it looks like they are all going to pass to the next grade( depending on the grades that they get on their final exams), and that is rare. Two of them will be starting college this fall. YES!!! For the last couple of weeks, rather than engaging in discussions, I have turned our session into a study hall. Many of them didn't know how to study. They just read the material and hoped to remember it all on the day of the test. My friends all pitched in to help. I just love it when my time and hard work pays off! It lets me know that I am making a difference.

I actually don't have any questions for the day. Feel free to ask me a question or two if you like...

Fears, Dislikes, and Facts

I have had my share of problems...we all have. But one major thing that I noticed is, most of my problems are self-inflicted. By that I mean, many of the issues that I have are transferred to me from the people around me. I choose to take them on...

My friends and I got together at my place yesterday. We all decided to take some time out and just talk...Which is something that we haven't done in a while. I got a lot out of the conversation. The whole thing had me thinking...I had so many questions in my head, as I always do, but I wondered...Do we ever really know people?

We all sat around, and me, being the one who always puts the issues out there for discussion, started up as usual. I always make up some kind of crazy game to play. I said, "Let's tell three things about ourselves that no one else her knows. The first one must be a fear, the second a dislike, and the third a fact (about your sex life)." That was a risky topic, because my Boo and a couple of my friends' mates were there as well, but what the hell...

So I started...1)I have a fear of drowning (...and I have my own pool). 2)I dislike when people always call me for money(I got a couple of dirty glances). 3)The fact is...I love to have spontaneous sex. I know mine were a bit boring, but it goes on from there.

My Boo...1)I have a fear of spiders. 2)I dislike people who are negative all the time. 3)The fact is, after sex, I loved to be kissed... all over (I took note to that...)

Next (Male)...1)I have a fear of commitment. 2)I dislike women who think that just because you had sex with them, it's okay to act like you're in a relationship. 3)The fact is, I lose interest in a woman after sex....Meaning, if I had any serious interest in her in the beginning, it leaves after she gives it up...I don't know why, it just does.

Next (Female)...1)I have a fear of dogs. 2)I dislike grown men that expect women to take care of them. 3) The fact is...I have been with over 200 men in some sort of sexual scenario. ( This one blew my mind! We were all looking at her like she was crazy. She just sat there unaffected. She came with one of my guy friends. I don't think she'll be back)

The game went on and on, and a lot of secrets were revealed...

A fear of impotency...A fear of being alone...A fear being robbed...A fear of dreaming(I thought that one was weird)

Disliking cheater...liars...women with thin lips...women with very short hair(shaved)...people who brag about what they have...men who brag about the size of their "you know what"...people who love to have sex all the time...

...And it went on from there.


(This is just for fun, so you don't have to do it if you don't want to...)

1)Name one fear that you have.
2)Name one thing you dislike about people.
3)Name one sexual fact about you.

Enough Is Enough

I love kids...when they belong to someone else. I was blessed with one child, and I plan on keeping it that way. I'm not greedy. I enjoy the fact that I can go and come as I please, because her father is adamant about sharing in half the responsibility of raising her. She is old enough that I don't have to lug around a diaper bag and sippie cups, but still young enough to eat off the kids menu...so for me, things are great.

My cousin, on the other hand, has 6. It is a rare occasion that she can find a babysitter for all of them at once. I'll do it...Maybe twice a year. But no one else in the family will take on the task. They are little busy bodies. She is young(24), and she likes to go out and do things that 24 year olds do, but has a hard time doing so often, and you could imagine. I don't like to rub things in her face, but come on. She chose to have those children. Now, I'm not saying that she did it on her own, I'm just saying the there are ways to prevent it. She says that she loves her kids, and I'm sure she does, but they are stressing her out. She does not work a 9 to 5 (raising 6 kids is a job within itself), she lives off the child support from their fathers...and yes, they have different dads.

But that's not the problem. The problem is she is pregnant, again, and this time, by a married man. She is so depressed because she thought that he would leave his wife. He and his wife have a son, and she can't have anymore kids. I admit that it was selfish of him to go out and have a baby outside their marriage, but my cousin should have known better. A wife with one child v.s. a 'baby's momma" with six...You do the math. His wife has accepted the fact that he has a new child on the way and is cool with it. Now my cousin is scared that he and the wife may take the new baby. Judging on her financial status at this point, I'm sure they will have a good chance at getting the child. Now she wants to get rid of the baby. She says that she would rather not have the child, than to see it taken away from her. That is a hard decision...I'll be praying for her, and that's all I can do at this point.

Now, if it were me, and I was having a hard time with the first couple of kids, I would have stopped while I was ahead. Her mom says she needs a permanent Depo drip. If it were me, my tubes would be clipped, burned, and tied in double knots! But, she's not me, so I have to let her think for herself. I'm not saying that having kids is a bad thing, but having more kids than you can handle is.

I'm not upset because she is having another baby. That's her choice. It's my choice to NOT babysit. I'm upset because now, she is asking for MY help. Lately, she has been feeling the effects of pregnancy...and she is having a hard time with all of these kids. Her mom helps as much as she can, but she WILL NOT keep all of her kids. She says that her nerves can't take it. I ran the Kiddie Bus yesterday, because she had to go to the doctor. Dropping off kids at schools and day cares and picking them up. It was just too much. Then we got to her house, and she was in the bed, asleep. Six kids to feed, help with their homework, listen to see how their days went...I wanted to scream. I stayed there and helped out for the rest of the day. After hearing how exhausted I was, my Boo came over and helped out( I love that man!). He played outside with the kids while I cooked dinner. After they finished dinner, and had all taken showers, we watched a movie(or should I say, they watched a movie because I slept through it)and went to bed with no problems. We fixed their lunches for the next day, ironed their clothes, and laid the out so that they could be up and dressed in a timely manner the next morning. She did not get up once to make sure that things were okay. I understand that she trusts me with her kids, but there is no way that I could just stay in bed and pawn off my responsibility on someone else...I got home, took a long hot bath, and we went to sleep.

She called me while I was on the way home(I guess she finally decided to get up) to thank me for all I had done, and...Asked me to do it again today. I love my cousin, but I hung up the d*** phone, cranked up the volume on my CD player, and drove home. I was too tired to respond.

My hat goes off to all of you mothers, single or married, with a house full of kids. I love em...As long as I can send them home and get them when I want to.

So, in this situation, what do you think she should do? Keep the new baby or not?

I am pro choice, but this one has me stumped...

Praise the Lord and Get Me Out of Here!

Things never go the way I plan them. I was prepared for the rain this weekend! Now tell me why it was hot and sunny yesterday, and today it will be 90 degrees in the shade. Hot weather plus Texas humidity equals an inferno!

I still had a good weekend. My Boo and I decided to get out on Sunday and go to church. I couldn't get into the service like I normally do...for some reason I felt really weird...A weekend of sinning topped off with a couple of hallelujahs...it just felt strange. I guess I was feeling a little guilty, but I got over that very fast, because we opted go back home and finish where we left off...

My cousin has been asking me to visit her husband's church, so we went. Two things that I normally don't discuss with people are religion and politics. This is simply because I have my own views, as most people do, I really don't want to hear what others have to say about what I think or how I feel. But Sunday after church, my "Holy Cousin" just got to me. Maybe it was the fact that I was already feeling guilty, but I was upset because I let her get to me.

She asked, "When are you two getting married?" I said "Soon enough." She is married to this hen-pecked, hang- on her-every-word, bible-toting, boot-leg preacher, that she only married because she was pregnant and she didn't want to shame her family. To me, those days are long gone. I will only marry when I am ready. She acts normal at family gatherings. They seem to be happy, but I was seeing a side of her that I had never seen...Then she starts quoting scriptures and telling me how I was "falling short of His glory." I didn't get upset. I actually felt sad for her. She was so wrapped up in HER religion, that she had forgotten the events that had led her to where she was. I just smirked at her and let her finish her babbling. My Boo was uneasy, but he didn't say anything.

If there is one thing I know, it's the bible. I learned it so I can understand it. I hate to speak or even have an opinion on things that I don't fully have an understanding of. I have also studied several other religions to understand them as well, but Christianity just fit me. Not what they teach you, but the understanding that I got from reading and studying on my own. I don't knock or ridicule the beliefs of others. I feel that a person's personal relationship with their higher power is a battle that they must fight within themselves.

But she basically started preaching to me right in the back of the church. Then she started jumping up and down, screaming, and waving her hands, doing some type of holy dance, saying that she was casting out the demons so I'll have a clean heart( If that was all it took then I would have been jumping and screaming a long time ago). My Boo and I just sat there and started at her like she had lost her mind. She stopped and tuned and led us to the section of the church where she was sitting.

I guess we were in the holy section, because when we sat down, these ladies gave us killer looks. They were up, clapping and waving their hands. I could tell that this was going to be a long service. One lady's holy dance looked more like the electric slide. My Boo and I started laughing when the lady next to her joined in. One thing that I can say, the choir was wonderful. There were about 15 people, but it sounded like 100. They sang with power and conviction, and one of the lead singers needs a record deal for sure! They were a talented bunch. How they ended up in this place is beyond me.

The preacher(my cousin's husband) asks for the visitors to stand and come to the front of the church. I hate churches like that! We went to the front. I was the spokesperson for my Boo and I. I have a well rehearsed speech that I save from churches like this. I said..."We bring you Greetings from the ____ Baptist Church. Where the Reverend_____ is my pastor. " I guess it was acceptable, because they moved on to the next person. But then EVERYONE in the church came around to shake our hands. UUGGGGHHH. All that human contact was a little too much for me. Maybe I was being anal, but I had to wash my hands. Some of those people...I won't even get into it, lets just say, I excused myself after it was over.

The preacher started preaching, and the people start yelling and falling out. I see white sheets and anointed oil all over the place. I was so ready to go. After 3 offerings, testimonies, and shouting. One testimony stuck in my mind. This lady was testifying about how she was waiting on the Lord is send her a man...A doctor, who would take care of her, buy her nice things, and love her to the end of time. I guess she took praying for specifics literally. From the looks of her, lets hope he a plastic surgeon..I had had enough! Then the preacher comes down and starts to speak about the church needing 'help" from its members. Then her starts saying...If you can give $5 come forth...If you can give $10 please come...If you can give $20 bring it to the Lord...God is waiting on his $50. Right when he got to the $100 mark, my Boo and I stood up to leave, and everyone starts shouting. Instead of heading to the front, we turned and walked towards the back doors. We almost had to wrestle the usher to get out of there. They have taken non-denominational to another level! That wasn't a church. That was a cult. We were so glad to get out of there. Never Again!


Have you ever been to a strange church?

Have you ever had anyone try to shove their religion down your throat?

Have you ever had a spout with someone over religion?