The Skin I'm In
What is with the color craze? I mean this light skinned, dark skinned thing.
I was born and raised in the south, and down here has always been different. To add to it, I was born to Creole parents. Well, my father is so pale, you would think he was a white man, and my mother is barely brown(as we call it), with red hair. So my brother and I are somewhere in the middle. Tan versions of my father. My mother's mother was Creole, but her dad wasn't, and that was frowned upon back in the day.
My dad's parents didn't approve of his marriage to my mother(since she was darker than he..Which is crazy to me), but they loved my brother and I to death, and finally came to grips with it when they had grandchildren. My mother taught us at a very young age to be proud of the skin that we're in, and to be proud of who we are.
My friend Jamie, moved into his first home over the weekend, and since I was not around, I decided to take everyone out to dinner last night to celebrate. Jamie is a handsome guy...He's one of the 80's/early 90's 'brothas(light-skinned w/curly hair), and hazel eyes. He brought his new friend to dinner last night. To me, this guy looked just like him. As a matter of fact, all of his guys look the same. Since we were all out to have fun, I thought I'd spice things up a little, so I brought the color thing up...Little did I know that my friend Diva was in rare form. He is a mess!
I like men...In all shades of brown. I don't discriminate.
Diva said what we were all thinking when we met the new guy. He said, "Is it me, or do you only date guys that look like you?"Jamie froze for a moment, then he said, "No, I just date people I am attracted to? "
Diva: So are you only attracted to high yellow guys with good hair?
Jamie: No, I am not that shallow, and besides, what is good hair anyway?
Diva: ( pointing around the table) Look around you. Most of the negros sitting at this table have good hair.
Me:(stating the line that my mother used to say): Any hair that Gods puts on our head is good.
Diva:(giving me a shut the h*** up look) You know what I mean. By the way, you are one to talk Missy. With that fine specimen sitting next you . With that almond colored skin and those deep dark eyes.
Now my man is cool with my friends (gay and straight), but I could tell that the comment made him a little uneasy. So I redirected the conversation, and I gave Diva a look that said shut the h*** up, or you will be paying for your own d*** meal...then I smiled sweetly.
Me: Diva, what is this all about? Is it me, or do I detect a little negativity in the air?
Diva: Shut up b****! ( I have been called that so much by my gay friends that it doesn't even phase me anymore. But, ONLY when they say it...But I could see that Diva was clearly upset.)
My Boo tugged on my sleeve, so I let it go, (I was about to unleash the dragon!) but Diva was not finished with Jamie.
Diva: So what's wrong with us brown brothas? We're not good enough for your high yellow a**?
Jamie: I thought you knew Diva, brown is in... But coffee is just not my cup of tea at the moment, if you know what I mean.
Diva started ranting with the regular...The " blacker the berry" charade...He is such a queen at times! I couldn't understand for the life of me why he was so upset. Why was he taking this so far.
Jamie: Diva is there something that you need to say to me?
(I was wondering the same thing)
Diva: I said it! It's time out for you pretty yellow boys overlooking us brown boys.
Being that I am a straight female...I was like what? I see dark and light skinned people together all the time. Was this something that existed only in his head, or was this something that existed among the gay community? I was confused, to say the least. We all saw that arguing with him was useless, so we dropped the subject all together and started talking about decorating the new house. Jamie has some good ideas, and the perfect queer eye for decorating and design. I can't wait to see it when he is finished! I know it will be a spectacle. His loft looked like a museum, but a whole house...
Diva did not say a word the rest of the night...
Being that we are close, I had to find out what was wrong with my friend. Jamie was concerned as well. Since I had rode with my Boo and Jamie had rode with his new friend, we sent them both on their way, and stayed behind with Diva. I climbed into the front seat of his car and Jamie got into the back seat. Then Jamie said, "Talk. "
We pulled out of the parking lot and Diva started bawling! I mean, not one of those cute little cries, but he was sobbing! We made it to Jamie's house and we all get out and went inside. Diva is still crying. H***, by now both Jamie and I were crying and we didn't have a clue what we were crying for. We were all a mess. Diva was crying, and we were crying because he was hurting.
Diva finally told us why he was crying. He said that he was a product of his mother's first marriage to a dark-skinned man. She later married a light skinned man and had 4 more kids, who were all fair skinned. He said that he had been teased in his home all his life by his siblings, and his stepfather, and it had a lasting affect on him. Then he said that he had been dating this guy(for about 6 months) that he had really fell for, and the guy just stopped calling him all of a sudden. I had heard about him, but had never seen him, so I never questioned it. He said that the guy hadn't called since Friday, and he had never missed one day of calling. The guy finally called on Monday afternoon and asked him to meet him. He said that all this time, he thought the reason that the guy never wanted to go out in public with him was because he was not completely OUT and he was giving him the time he needed to do what he had to do. But the guy told him that it had nothing to do with him being gay, it was the fact that he was so dark. He didn't want people he knew seeing him with such a dark guy and telling his family. The guy that Diva was dating was Creole, and his family hated dark people, so he felt that before they got too serious, he would cut it off, so he wouldn't have to introduce him to his family. He said that his family accepted the fact that he was gay, but would not welcome a dark skinned gay man. He was ashamed of him. He said that the guy couldn't even look him in the eye (What a coward!).
This is 2006 people. Is this small minded perception still going on? What my parents went through was over 30 years ago in New Orleans, but this is the new millennium! This is Texas!My friend is one of the finest chocolate brothers I have seen. Skin like a baby's bottom... He's about 6'2" tall, with a sprinter's build. Believe me, he has NOTHING to be ashamed of. I guess when you are on the outside looking in, you think people have it all. Once you tap inside those walls, you see the weakness lurking behind the beauty.
My friend cried, not for the fact that he was gay, but for the reason that he was dark, and at that moment, he hated it because it was the one thing keeping him from the man he loved. Jamie assured him that he would find someone better. Someone to accept him as he is. We cried with him, because few words can comfort a broken heart. After he got himself together, he dropped me off at home. I am determined to keep him as drunk, full, and happy as possible this week. We are going shopping later in the week...It's the best therapy! Who knows, he might find something new (besides clothes)!
I love my friends...In all shapes, forms, and fashions!
So what do you think of this light/dark skinned facination? Did you have any issues with it growing up? Do you have a preference as far as dating is concerned?
I was born and raised in the south, and down here has always been different. To add to it, I was born to Creole parents. Well, my father is so pale, you would think he was a white man, and my mother is barely brown(as we call it), with red hair. So my brother and I are somewhere in the middle. Tan versions of my father. My mother's mother was Creole, but her dad wasn't, and that was frowned upon back in the day.
My dad's parents didn't approve of his marriage to my mother(since she was darker than he..Which is crazy to me), but they loved my brother and I to death, and finally came to grips with it when they had grandchildren. My mother taught us at a very young age to be proud of the skin that we're in, and to be proud of who we are.
My friend Jamie, moved into his first home over the weekend, and since I was not around, I decided to take everyone out to dinner last night to celebrate. Jamie is a handsome guy...He's one of the 80's/early 90's 'brothas(light-skinned w/curly hair), and hazel eyes. He brought his new friend to dinner last night. To me, this guy looked just like him. As a matter of fact, all of his guys look the same. Since we were all out to have fun, I thought I'd spice things up a little, so I brought the color thing up...Little did I know that my friend Diva was in rare form. He is a mess!
I like men...In all shades of brown. I don't discriminate.
Diva said what we were all thinking when we met the new guy. He said, "Is it me, or do you only date guys that look like you?"Jamie froze for a moment, then he said, "No, I just date people I am attracted to? "
Diva: So are you only attracted to high yellow guys with good hair?
Jamie: No, I am not that shallow, and besides, what is good hair anyway?
Diva: ( pointing around the table) Look around you. Most of the negros sitting at this table have good hair.
Me:(stating the line that my mother used to say): Any hair that Gods puts on our head is good.
Diva:(giving me a shut the h*** up look) You know what I mean. By the way, you are one to talk Missy. With that fine specimen sitting next you . With that almond colored skin and those deep dark eyes.
Now my man is cool with my friends (gay and straight), but I could tell that the comment made him a little uneasy. So I redirected the conversation, and I gave Diva a look that said shut the h*** up, or you will be paying for your own d*** meal...then I smiled sweetly.
Me: Diva, what is this all about? Is it me, or do I detect a little negativity in the air?
Diva: Shut up b****! ( I have been called that so much by my gay friends that it doesn't even phase me anymore. But, ONLY when they say it...But I could see that Diva was clearly upset.)
My Boo tugged on my sleeve, so I let it go, (I was about to unleash the dragon!) but Diva was not finished with Jamie.
Diva: So what's wrong with us brown brothas? We're not good enough for your high yellow a**?
Jamie: I thought you knew Diva, brown is in... But coffee is just not my cup of tea at the moment, if you know what I mean.
Diva started ranting with the regular...The " blacker the berry" charade...He is such a queen at times! I couldn't understand for the life of me why he was so upset. Why was he taking this so far.
Jamie: Diva is there something that you need to say to me?
(I was wondering the same thing)
Diva: I said it! It's time out for you pretty yellow boys overlooking us brown boys.
Being that I am a straight female...I was like what? I see dark and light skinned people together all the time. Was this something that existed only in his head, or was this something that existed among the gay community? I was confused, to say the least. We all saw that arguing with him was useless, so we dropped the subject all together and started talking about decorating the new house. Jamie has some good ideas, and the perfect queer eye for decorating and design. I can't wait to see it when he is finished! I know it will be a spectacle. His loft looked like a museum, but a whole house...
Diva did not say a word the rest of the night...
Being that we are close, I had to find out what was wrong with my friend. Jamie was concerned as well. Since I had rode with my Boo and Jamie had rode with his new friend, we sent them both on their way, and stayed behind with Diva. I climbed into the front seat of his car and Jamie got into the back seat. Then Jamie said, "Talk. "
We pulled out of the parking lot and Diva started bawling! I mean, not one of those cute little cries, but he was sobbing! We made it to Jamie's house and we all get out and went inside. Diva is still crying. H***, by now both Jamie and I were crying and we didn't have a clue what we were crying for. We were all a mess. Diva was crying, and we were crying because he was hurting.
Diva finally told us why he was crying. He said that he was a product of his mother's first marriage to a dark-skinned man. She later married a light skinned man and had 4 more kids, who were all fair skinned. He said that he had been teased in his home all his life by his siblings, and his stepfather, and it had a lasting affect on him. Then he said that he had been dating this guy(for about 6 months) that he had really fell for, and the guy just stopped calling him all of a sudden. I had heard about him, but had never seen him, so I never questioned it. He said that the guy hadn't called since Friday, and he had never missed one day of calling. The guy finally called on Monday afternoon and asked him to meet him. He said that all this time, he thought the reason that the guy never wanted to go out in public with him was because he was not completely OUT and he was giving him the time he needed to do what he had to do. But the guy told him that it had nothing to do with him being gay, it was the fact that he was so dark. He didn't want people he knew seeing him with such a dark guy and telling his family. The guy that Diva was dating was Creole, and his family hated dark people, so he felt that before they got too serious, he would cut it off, so he wouldn't have to introduce him to his family. He said that his family accepted the fact that he was gay, but would not welcome a dark skinned gay man. He was ashamed of him. He said that the guy couldn't even look him in the eye (What a coward!).
This is 2006 people. Is this small minded perception still going on? What my parents went through was over 30 years ago in New Orleans, but this is the new millennium! This is Texas!My friend is one of the finest chocolate brothers I have seen. Skin like a baby's bottom... He's about 6'2" tall, with a sprinter's build. Believe me, he has NOTHING to be ashamed of. I guess when you are on the outside looking in, you think people have it all. Once you tap inside those walls, you see the weakness lurking behind the beauty.
My friend cried, not for the fact that he was gay, but for the reason that he was dark, and at that moment, he hated it because it was the one thing keeping him from the man he loved. Jamie assured him that he would find someone better. Someone to accept him as he is. We cried with him, because few words can comfort a broken heart. After he got himself together, he dropped me off at home. I am determined to keep him as drunk, full, and happy as possible this week. We are going shopping later in the week...It's the best therapy! Who knows, he might find something new (besides clothes)!
I love my friends...In all shapes, forms, and fashions!
So what do you think of this light/dark skinned facination? Did you have any issues with it growing up? Do you have a preference as far as dating is concerned?
posted by LUVIN ME @ 6:44 AM
20 Comments:
At 9:37 AM,
Ladynay said…
As I was reading the conversation, the back of my mind told me that your boy had got his feelings hurt by someone of a fairer tone. It must have been hard being the "different" one out of your siblings and being put down for it.
So what do you think of this light/dark skinned facination?
Sadly, it will never go away. As much as we preach unity and togetherness, it will always be a topic. Even in the '06.
Did you have any issues with it growing up?
No, I grew up with the Rainbow Coalition as friends early on.
Do you have a preference as far as dating is concerned?
Of course, I prefer a thick to teddybearish dark chocolate brotha'. I have dated other hues, but it's what I am more attracted to and what seems to be attracted to me!
At 10:03 AM,
LUVIN ME said…
At first I was thinking that maybe he had feeling for my other friend, but then I was like, Naw, this is deeper than that.
Sadly...it is there to stay.
At 10:09 AM,
Msnhim said…
So what do you think of this light/dark skinned facination?
I daye alot of shades growing up and I didn't think anything of it.
Did you have any issues with it growing up? Not really
Do you have a preference as far as dating is concerned?
I tend to gravitate to a certain kind of man (ie nice arms, a little thick etc) but not one shade in paticular.
At 10:53 AM,
LUVIN ME said…
As far as dating is concerned...I'm game for them in all shades!
At 11:12 AM,
Miz JJ said…
Diva is better off without that dude. He is shallow and can't see a good man when he's sitting right in front of him.
I had issues growing up because I was black. Period.
As far as dating I prefer dark skin dudes. Maybe it's media, or experience, but I find light skin dudes shallow. That is another terrible stereotype, but that has been my experience.
At 11:54 AM,
LUVIN ME said…
@miz jj...Hmmm.I've had my experiences with them all.
@sangroncito...LOL!
@myreason...sounds like fun!
At 12:25 PM,
~HoustonNY~ said…
Man! This blog kind of hit me harder than I thought and it took me a few silent minutes to analyze why. I am a reddish, light skinned brother. I will post a pic of my siblings on my sight within the week, but we are pretty much two shades. Three of us are light skinned (after my mother) and two of us are dark skinned (after my father). Regarding color, we really had only one incident of that and my mother shut all of us down so bad that it was never an issue again. I understand how something like that can seriously traumatize a person.
What hit me hard was the fact that I thought I was color-struck. Dating wise, I was always drawn to lighter skinned guys. Dark skinned guys did not do it for me like the lighter skinned ones. I have been trying to analyze this for most of m life. However, 85% - 90% of the time, I usually end up with a dark skinned man. Example: There are five guys right now that I am communicating with as friends and maybe more. ALL of them are dark skinned. They are all very attractive. However, when I see someone lighter skinned or Latino, I am totally drawned to them. I don't know why....
Well, I do have good insurance now. Maybe I will go see a counselor! LOL
At 12:35 PM,
LUVIN ME said…
@babyo...Wow...glad to see you have broken the color barrier!
@terrance...The kids on my mom's side of the family are all shades, but my dad's side of the family are all Creole, and fair skinned. They look like white people. They love us, but they have always given my brother and I cold stares. Needless to say, I don't go around them much.
Yep, it's good you do have good insurance...but you like what you like...LOL
At 12:43 PM,
NegroPino™ said…
I think we have come along way since School Daze and especially in the late 80's early 90's hwen light skinned was in..i used to be taunted at shcool because of my dark skin and i was mixed....but I never not liked somebody on their skin toned. I just wasnt attracted to any light skinned guys but now Im open to any skin tone, any color any race.
At 2:15 PM,
TTD said…
i think that's CRAZY.. i honestly never dated a darker man nor a lighter man... i always seemed to attract those that were around my complexion... i never discriminated against one or the other.. that just appeared to be what happened... my current beau is dark. he's one of the darkest men i have ever met. i have no problem w/ that, and neither does my family. my look is if someone makes you happy, that should be all that matters no matter what. hopefully ur friend will feel better about himself b/c there's nothing wrong w/ his complexion.. people need to get over their issues w/ race...
At 2:16 PM,
The Sarccastik Variable Why said…
when will it end...light-skinned vs. dark-skinned....can't we just get along...(where the hell did that come from)....not trying to give rodney k. pub for that line...
At 2:20 PM,
Shana said…
Me, being a sistah that's a lighter shade of brown, have always seen it from the other side. I've had my darker complected associates stereotype me as being stuck up when they really hadn't gotten to know me at all. I've even had guys admit that they didn't approach me at first because they thought I was stuck on myself. I don't get it. It shouldn't be about outward appearances. . .it should be about the stuff a person is made of. . .what's inside. We all have things that we're attracted to, but who knows if what we want is what God wants us to have. We need to stop these crazy color struck notions and go for the one we connect with and not all the other drama. As for your friend, I hope he doesn't let this defeat him. He shouldn't give a person who didn't have his best interests at heart that much weight or thought, he should be focusing on bettering himself and that will not only benefit him . . . but also the next person who shows up to positively participates in his life.
At 3:52 PM,
Darbs said…
Being that my complexion falls in the middle (leaning more towards the light side when I don't have a tan), I haven't been affected by any color complexes that often, but it has come up.
I will admit that when we were very young, two of my sisters and I used to tease my third sister for being dark. Not that we had color issues, but that was the most obvious difference between her and the three of us. I am not proud of this at all and I hope that it didn't cause my sister any pain.
Subconsciously, though, I wonder if color was an issue for me growing up. From the time that I was a baby until about 8 years old, my uncle and his friends would call me "Sunshine" (some still do to this day) because of my skin color. I liked the nickname, but I never thought that I liked it because of its inception. But I wonder about tat now, because my paternal Grandmother (who could have "passed") did not want my mother to allow me to play with darker skinned children...but I didn't learn of this until I became an adult which was well after her death.
Throughout my years of dating, I have tended to date lighter skinned guys...but I truly believe that it happened by chance because I really don't have a preference. I just love Black men in general.
But don't get it twisted, unfortunately this issue is still alive and well. I remember my soon-to-be-ex-husband warning me that his mother might not like me because I wasn't light enough. That didn't end up being the case, but I was still shocked that it could have been possible.
The bottom line, however, is that people are free to have preferences. It's just sad when those preferences end up causing someone else pain.
At 4:00 PM,
Emotionalbrotha said…
Well seems like I'm not the only brotha dealing with mad skeletons in the closet. Damn, give ur boy a hug for me- and tell him be strong..
At 4:47 PM,
Omar Ramon said…
I'm "high yella" as my folk call it and have always been attracted to darker skinned folk over lighter ones for no particular reason. (I DON"T discriminate tho..I'm truly down for whatever. My first boo was caucasian looking brazilian/portugese)
My dad is dark brown and my mom looks like a straight up white chick. I've witnessed them experience racism for the appearance that their coupling gives.
Also I've experienced on numerous occasions being called "light-bright" "house nigger" and other such monikers not by white folk(they probably do it behind my back lol) but by my OWN. It's really a bunch of foolishness. I don't understand how folks allow the stigma to be passed down through the generations. It causes so much self-hate and unnecessary drama such as your boy's situation. *sigh*
Hope he heals quickly...
At 8:45 PM,
Superstar Nic said…
Sorry for the long comment, but this one was pretty interesting to me.
So what do you think of this light/dark skinned facination? Did you have any issues with it growing up?
I was born and raised in New Orleans and lot of people had that bad there, especially back in the day. Families with primarily light skinned relatives did not like it very much when their son or daughter brought home a darker skinned person. And if they were talking about marriage, oh my goodness. There might be holy hell to pay.
My great-grandfather had to deal with that. He was really light skinned and my great-grandmother was dark skinned. His parents weren’t happy about him marrying my great-grand. I mean they carried on as if she was a completely different race (not like that should matter). Then when they had chidren, one was light and one was dark (both girls – my grandma and her sister). My grandma was light and she told me stories when I was a child of they way she and her sister were treated differently. That was such a long time ago though. Does that really still happen? Light skinned blacks being treated differently that those of darker shades?
I think a lot of these “color issues” as I call them for lack of a better term, started back in the days od slavery. Back when the light skinned blacks were treated better and allowed to work in the house or have lighter chores than those dark skinned blacks.
I never really had any issues personally. It may be because I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I’m trying to remember my childhood, but I don’t think that any thing in particular happened with me or my sisters with regards to our complexion.
Do you have a preference as far as dating is concerned
As for my preference, I’m attracted to all different types of men, but I seemed to be more particial or attracted to those who are dark skinned. They just stand out as sexy to me, but I can’t even say why really.
Do you mind if I bring these questions back up at a later time on my blog? Maybe in another month or so.
At 12:13 AM,
@GaryTylone said…
Wow...me and some friends of mine had a discussion about this this past weekend and we all said that it just something that has stayed in the south...that may not be true...but lighter skin seems to be much more favored down here...I have never experienced any lite vs drk while being up north that I can think of. It's strange to me and interesting, sorry that happened to your friend. That was some F-ed up stuff.
At 6:37 AM,
LUVIN ME said…
@All...My friend is hanging in there. It will take time to heal, but he will be fine. Thanks guys!
At 9:43 AM,
Newy said…
I don't have a light/dark preference. I do have an issue between my sons though. *smh* They look exactly alike...chestnut brown eyes, dimples, the younger one has really curly hair that waves with little effort (my grandma was Creole)......except the older one is dark. When ever they argue, they hurl insults regarding complexion and hair. Stressful to say the least. I am trying to get them to be more accepting of each other's complexion but it is hard... BTW my complexion is between the two of them....
At 5:33 PM,
Abeni said…
Sadlyy it is very much around.I remember when I was a little girl people would ask me if I didn't wish I was as fair as my brother.One lady actually told my mother,in my presence that I was a cute little girl but I would be a knockout if I was light.My mom quickly put her in her place and that was the end of the story.
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