He's Stressing Me

I have been burning the candle at both ends the past couple of days, so this weekend I plan to relax...

How can you be there for someone when you don't know what they need?

Everyone deals with stress differently. My man likes to be alone when he is stressed, but he expects me to be supportive. Telepathy was one of the many gifts that I wasn't given. I know he is sad that his mom is sick. I know he is going through something. But that's all I know. How can you be there for someone who wants to be alone? The whole situation has me confused. Am I supposed to sit and wait until he needs me, or do I go on with my usual day until he asks for my help?

What do you say to someone who doesn't want to talk?

If I say something, he seems irritated. If I don't say anything, he seems irritated. To simplify matters and to keep the peace in my household, I'm just going to give him some time...

Expect the Unexpected

My man's mother is in the hospital. She has been there since yesterday and they still don't know what's wrong with her. She collapsed without warning. I talked my man into leaving the hospital to take a shower at least, but he still won't eat anything. He just left to go back to the hospital with his dad and his brothers. I pray that she is okay. Even though we have our differences, I don't wish anything bad on anyone. I pray that they can handle whatever God has in store.

My man's whole family is at the hospital, so I probably won't go back up there until later this evening. (I have to get a little work done, and I'm going to catch up on my blog reading...) Aunts, uncles, cousins...so many unfamiliar faces. I'm tired, but I can't sleep because I'm worried about him. My man and his brothers are very close to their mom so I can only imagine what they are going through.

Even though our parents may not be the best people in the world all the time, it is important to make ammends with them while they are living, and remember the legacy they left after they are gone. There is some good in everyone, even if you have to dig deep to find it.

For those of you that have parents living, no matter what type of life they have affored you, let them know how you feel. Get things off your chest. Don't live with the skeletons that they have placed in your closet...You may regret it when they are gone.

For all that have lost a parent, I can't say that I know how you feel, or that I want to know, all I can say is, May God Bless You and Continue to keep you...

Too Tired To Think Today....

I don't know how my cousin does it. She along with her youngest child have strep throat , so that left 5 healthy munchkins in need of somewhere to go. I had 5 kids yesterday that I didn't give birth to plus my own child, and my man and I are still tired. We helped with homework, cooked, cleaned, read books, broke up sibling spouts, played with dolls, played video games, watched movies, worked puzzles, and finally went to sleep after we got her 3 year old to go to sleep.

She asked me to pick them up today...I can't do it. I have plans. Plus my child will be with her dad for the evening. I love 'em but she needs to get the rolodex out and call their daddies...

I have a nice evening planned for me and my man for being himself and loving me the way that he does...He's always giving me so much, I just thought I would return the favor...

For those of you that have children, how many do you have? Do you want more?

For those of you that don't have kids, do you want them someday?

This Chic Has Lost Her Mind....

Saturday afternoon, my little family took a trip to the aquarium. My daughter is fascinated with nature and science, so I try to find places that focus on these things. She appreciates these things even though she is young.

We had planned a trip to the zoo, but there was rain in the forecast, so I changed the plans at the last minute. As we were walking along, we meet up with this family who has small kids, but the bunch was a little rowdy, so I was trying to get away from them as quickly as possible. My daughter, amazed by the creatures had to tell me every fact that she knows about everyone that we come in contact with. So the group soon catches up with us.

My man and I are on one end of the small hallway, and my daughter has drifted off to the other end...She is still in my range of vision, not close enough for me to touch, but close enough for me to get to if there is danger. A little girl who looks to be about her age walks over to my daughter and began to speak. My daughter, much like me, doesn't really warm up to strange people, especially if she is engrossed in something that she likes. She says hello to the little girl, but pays little attention to her, so the little girl walks off and goes back with her little gang of folks.

We move on...they soon follow. Again the little girl walks up to my daughter.. Again my child ignores the little girl, and we move on.

This little girl wasn't having it. She walks behind my child, along with another little girls in their group, and she pushes my daughter...Big mistake. My man starts to walk toward them, but I grab his arm. I want to see what my daughter is going to do on her own...My brother has been playing rough with her since she was younger, (the same way he used to with me when we were kids, so she is prissy, but she is very tough). I know that my child is tough, but I always wondered if she would fight back when she was put in the situation. I guess I got my answer.

Without saying a word, she slapped the heck out of that little girl, twice....Since we were walking down glass enclosed hallways, the licks rang out like a bell. The little girl screamed. I knew my girl could handle it...The mother of the little girl walks over to them, and I start walking that way as well. Instead of the lady trying to see what happened, she grabs my child by the arm. So without thinking, I grab her. No one, puts their hand on my kid....No one!

Up until then, my daughter has never seen me act a fool. The lady was much bigger than I was, but she had little balance because she was holding a baby. I slammed her head into the glass as hard as I could, and she let my child's arm go. She grabs her head and looks at me like I'm crazy....(Dynamite comes in small packages b****)...Then she starts to explain. Saying that my kid hit her child for no reason. Seeing that we weren't getting anywhere, my man, the voice of reason, steps in and says, why don't we let the kids tell what happened.

The little girl actually told the truth and the mother apologizes. The lady's husband just stands there, not saying a word. All I had to say to her was, think before you grab someone's child. The only reason I didn't try to hurt you in some way was number one, you had a baby in your arms and I was trying not to hurt the child, and number two, my child was watching me. Next time you won't be so lucky.

I was so ready to get out of there, but of child wanted to stay. I was hyped for the rest of the visit, so afterwards, we opted to go to the arcade and play some video games.

I called my brother as soon as I got home to tell him about his niece. He was proud. I was still a little mad that I didn't do anymore to the lady, but I didn't want to hurt the baby...plus she was a big one...so that would have been a challenge...not the first one though.

My man said he was proud of me. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to contain myself. I was happy...I made it out of another public brawl without going to jail...I guess you really don't think about that when the situation arises...

Other than that my weekend was pretty calm. I stayed in the house with my little family...

What would you do if someone put their hands on your child, or a child that was in your care?

Unique

I talked about this yesterday with my teen group...

If you notice, everything in modern society is separated. We have the obvious separation on class and race and ethnicity...but if you look deeper, you'll find that everything is seperated.

We have the ominivores separated from the Vegans...The plump seperated from the slim. The pretty from the ugly. The smart from the dense.

How are we catogorized? Who's to say what your potential is? These things can't determine self worth...

What do you think separates you from others? What makes you unique?

You Did What?

I sat there in the lobby of the hotel, part of me wanting to run, but my curiosity wouldn't let me move. After the things that he had told me, I had to find out for myself.

I only sat there for a moment, but it felt like an eternity. He walked up to where I was sitting, greeted me with a smile, and brushed my cheek with a kiss. I smiled. I had to take a deep breath because what happened next determined my future. If my man ever found out it would be over. As much as I love him, as much as I care for him...what am I doing here? My mind was all over the place but my body was taking slow, uneven steps right behind him. When we got on the elevator, my mind told me to get off...go home. But yet I stayed there...putting my future on the line.

When we got into his room, I took a seat in a chair, close to the bed. I had to get my mind together if I was going to go through with it...I had the one thing that everyone was looking for in my life...true love...Yet I was sitting there willing to give it all up for one night of passion...This is not like me. How could you do this to him? He loves you so much...

He turned on some music. He had purchased a small CD player for his stay. He loves music. He played it all day as we worked. He said, a day without music is like a day without sunshine...The sultry sounds of Nina Simone filled the room. Ne Me Quitte Pas (Don't Leave Me)...

Why did he have to play that song? It's one of my favorite songs. My man plays it for me all the time...It does something to me...He knew exactly what he was doing, yet I didn't stop him.

We danced...His scent was wonderful...unfamiliar...enticing. But I knew it was not my man's scent. Yet I stayed there wanting to allow his essence to permeate my body... and I wanted to run at the same time. But my feet would not move.

As the song reached it's end, I knew that playtime was over. The way his body responded to mine told me exactly what I needed to know...he wanted me. He undressed me, and I did the same to him. We didn't speak. There was nothing left to be said. We both knew what was at stake. We work for the same company...He's getting married in a couple of months as well...We still couldn't just walk away. This may be our last time seeing each other...and we were saying goodbye...

I stared at his body for a moment. Chocolate perfection.

He laid me on the bed and stood back admiring the woman the was stretched out before him. He kissed my face...my neck...my shoulders...and he kept going down form there...kissing every single inch of my body. I didn't try to stop him...I returned the favor, giving him pleasure in every way. After it was over, we laid there holding each other in silence. Knowing that what we had just done would change things forever. We both had to go home to the ones we loved with a guilty conscience. We were both trapped in our own thoughts. We drifted off to sleep.

The sound of the phone scared us both in the middle of the night. I shook him so he would answer the phone. He didn't move. I said, "Loverboy, answer the phone." He said, "Okay Pretty Lady." I jumped up and turned on the lamp next to the bed. What the? When did I? How did I?

My man handed me the phone. It was Angel, and she couldn't get the baby to go to sleep. She was crying, the baby was crying, and she wanted me to come over and help her. I told her I was on my way.

My man sat there staring at me for a moment and said, "Are you okay? You have been tossing and turning all night." I said, " I had a bad dream." He said, "Do you want to talk about it?" Of course I said no. Normally when I eat spicy foods late at night, I have the worst dreams. We had Thai food yesterday and I guess it got the best of me.

But the dream seemed so real. I am glad that I woke up. I am so glad that I didn't cross the line in reality. I am glad that I didn't sleep with him.

He propositioned me, and I never gave him an answer. I just walked away from him and said, "Have a nice trip home." I guess in my mind, I was thinking What if, and it was apparent in my dream. I did go to the hotel lobby, but that was it. I went right back home. I had to drop off his new laptop before he left, and somehow my dream started there, and took a different turn. But the whole thing in a nutshell...I wouldn't do it...I could never go through with it. Because I have a man that truly loves me, and I can give him nothing less in return...

He's leaving today and I decided against taking him to the airport. I may never see him face to face again, but I have to talk to him often. I will remember him, but I am glad that he is leaving...

Have you ever had a dream that seemed real but made no sense whatsoever?

A Little Lady Doing Big Business

I had to go into the office late yesterday afternoon, and I must say, there are some weird people working there...

As we walk past the cubicles, they sit upright in their chairs, everyone on task, everyone smiling. They say hello, and continue to act like they are working, not knowing my reason for coming in. He is following me closely, taking in the environment. A few of my coworkers that I talk to on a regular basis stop in to say hello. As expected, they must have gone out and spread the word about the fine man sitting across from me. We were quite the pair yesterday. Him in his navy business suit, and me in a caramel colored suit. The women were drooling, and we are interrupted so much that I had to post my "Meeting in Session, Do Not Disturb" sign outside my door. It was the day for us to present new development to the Big Boys, and I was a nervous wreck.

I knew the info like the back of my hand. I could tell people about it in my sleep, but my heart was still racing. We worked on the portfolios for hours, and everything was ready to go. I just sat there hoping things would go well. He was just as nervous as I was. The two of us...both young, both nervous...walking into a room full of them...They have the money. They have the power. They can shoot down our idea in a fraction of a second and we would have to start of back at square one...and that's only if they will fund our work for the next couple of weeks. They could just take us off of it all together and all our hard work would go down the drain...

The time had come and we knew that it was now or never. We walked out of my office and into the boardroom. They entered with us...with stone faced expressions and cold stares. I thought it was over before it started...but I refused to be intimidated.

When all were seated, and everyone had been introduced, we took our place at the front of the room, and began. There was total silence in the room as we spoke. I am a passionate person. I take pride in everything that I do, and it shows when I speak, and you can tell that my colleague loves what he does.

We finished the presentation and all eyes were on the Big Boss. He began to clap and the applause trickled down from there. My foreign colleague and I looked at each other in relief and took a deep breath. The Big Boss stood and shook our hands smiling from ear to ear. He said,
" job well done. " He said something to the other men around him and they all nodded in appreciation as they walked out. Just like that, we had just made the company millions...and millions for the company means, a bonus for me! We did it big for the team! We made it over one hill...we have so many more mountains to go!

After work, he and I stopped by Ambitious' spot and had dinner and he had a drink to celebrate. I called my man to tell him how things turned out and I could sense a little sumthin'' in his voice when I told him where I was and who I was with, but I was too amped at the moment to get into it. I just told him I would be home later.

My colleague will be leaving at the end of the week, and my man will be back in his comfort zone. I kinda liked him coming in and shaking things up a bit. It showed my man that he can't be slippin' and let someone creep in on what he has. He appreciates me even more these days...

For the first time, we had a very personal conversation. Up until this point, it was mostly business. He told me about his life at home, and how things here are so different from his home. We both had our stories...our history. When you take a look at it, there is not much difference. Different times, different places, different days, but still the same mentality. People in search of power and domination over another group of people.

I enjoyed his company, then I went home to my somewhat jealous man to finish of the evening with a little sumthin'...It was what I needed...It was what I wanted...and it put me right to sleep.

I am so relaxed today and I plan to get absolutely nothing done today...I am bummin' for the rest of the day. I love the fact that I am only a few steps away from work...

When was the last time that you did absolutely nothing?

Twisted Love

One of my close friends is in a situation. She is in love with a man who has someone else...

It's funny how it all began...

My friend and I were sitting at a sports bar watching a football game last season. While I understand nothing about the game, she loves it, so I agreed to go and stare blindly at the TV while everyone around me screamed and cheered.

We had really a great table. The placed was packed. A while later, in walks this guy and his friend. Seating during the games is first come first serve, and the place was packed. We had a booth. After a few trips around the spot, one of the guys stops to ask my friend if we mind if they have a seat with us. They take a seat, and it goes on from there...

They turned out to be some really nice guys. They had been friends for years just like my girl and I. After the game, we all leave the noisy spot. At this point I am ready to go home to my man, but my friend gives me that girl you better now leave me now look, so I decided to join them for drinks.

After a few moments of talking, the connection between my friend and one of the guys was obvious. They opted to find a quiet corner table while I was stuck at the table with this other guy, trying to think of something to say. It turned out that this guy and I had a lot in common. We were both involved with someone and were happy with our situation. We exchanged numbers that night, and since then, we have been friends. He still calls me when he needs to vent. He treats me with respect, and so far has not crossed the line. If he ever did, I would cut him off in a heartbeat. He did tell me that he was attracted to me when we first met, but he said that he was in a successful relationship and didn't want to jeopardize what he had for what could be. I told him that I was not interested in finding anyone new either. So from there, a great friendship was formed.

My friend on the other hand...

The following weekend they invited us to a party that they were throwing for one of their boys that was moving to Arizona. We didn't know anyone there except them, but we fit in with the crowd pretty well. We ended up having a good time. By the end of the night, I was back home and the guy that my friend was seeing was in her bed.

She called to tell me how wonderful he was. He was honest with her from the start. He told her that he had someone, and they lived together, but he was unhappy. He has custody of his daughter and the woman that he was seeing has a son. He said that he and this woman had grown apart. He needed more, and the woman he was with could not give it to him. He said that he had already told the woman that he was unhappy, and she agreed that they needed to part ways. The biggest problem was that he had bought a house and it would be eight months before they were eligible to refinance the place. Plus, she could not afford to take care of her kid alone. So his solution to the problem was, that when he was able to refinance the place, he would give her half of the 40 thousand that he will get and they will part ways. He wants my friend to wait for him...

He spends all of his free time with my friend, but he goes home every night. He says he does that out of respect, since the woman still lives in his house and takes care of his child. But he wants to marry my friend. He says that she is the one he loves. I wouldn't be able to take it...Not knowing what goes on after he gets home would bug the heck out of me...but she deals with it, and she seems happy with her situation. She says the more he stays away, the more his woman calls him. She says that it makes him want to be with her even more. He dreads going home.

My friend believes that he is going to live up to his word. She says that he tells her everything that is going on with him. He calls her often , and keeps her in the loop. I still wouldn't be able to handle it...

What would you do in this situation? Would you hold on to this twisted love, and wait for him, or would you let him go?

A Weekend To Remember

When I say that they out did themselves with the party, that is an understatement...

My man and my friends threw me a "Red Carpet Affair"... I had my one night as a superstar. I have a gift with people, but I am not of fan of being in the spotlight.

It was one of the nicest events I had ever been to in my life, and I have been to a lot of parties in my day. Diva and Softspoken did the decorations...complete with the red carpet. Ambitious and my man took care of the everything else. They did all this and I didn't have to lift a finger...I was so impressed!

After I hung with my brother for the evening, he took me home, and my man was there waiting impatiently...LOL. He looked annoyed when I walked in the door. He was fully dressed and trying so hard not to wrinkle his clothes. That man can hang a suit. Whew! I had taken my time on purpose and he knew it. I must admit, I can be devious at times, but it was all in fun.

I sat my bags down and kissed him softly on the cheek. The frown soon became a smile, and he said, "Okay...you've sweet talked me enough, now get dressed baby, we have to go." I said, "Where are we going? I have to know so I'll know what to wear. He said, "Put on the dress that I bought for you yesterday. That should be perfect." Actually, it was. Have you ever put on a dress that just makes you feel pretty? He knew that I knew something was up, but he didn't try to hide anymore. He just said, "Pretty lady, you are in for the night of your life." Every time he calls me that, I melt...He calls me Pretty Lady...I call him Loverboy...

As I walked in, I had to catch myself. For a moment, I was breathless. It was absolutely beautiful. At that moment, all of my problems, worries, and cares disappeared. I walked through the door, then I heard my man's brother come of the loud speaker, "Introducing, the Lady of the night, Miss Luvinme! They all clapped and cheered. It was too much...

As the photographer snapped away, Diva an Softspoken walked up to me pushing microphones in my face... I just smiled. They were the paparazzi. LOL... Diva, I could believe, but I knew Softpoken was only doing it for me. He is so shy and he hates crowds. But he was being a real trooper. They kept asking a questions they knew the answer too..."So how does it feel to be 27?" "Do you see any new projects coming in the near future?" "Are you excited about the upcoming nuptials?" and of course Diva( with his messy a** had to ask) " So how did you get yourself out of that office love scandal with the foreign beau?" I gave them a smirk and kept it moving.

When you walked in the door you had to register. Two of my man's brothers were seated at a table near the front entrance, one with a laptop, the other with a list and a microphone. After each person or couple registered, they were announced. As they were coming through the door onto the red carpet the photographer would snap pics of them and everyone would turn to see. It was quite an event.

Midway through the night, my man took the microphone and walked to the middle of the floor. He took my hand and I followed. He said ( I can't remember word for word, but I remember most of it). " Many of you have known this woman for far longer that I have, but few have loved her the way that I do. She makes me happier every day, and she makes me a better me. She has a smile that lights up the room. Her eyes pierce me to my very soul. If you find someone to love you just a fraction of how much I love this woman, then you have a have a beautiful thing. I love her now, and forever."

I have heard him say that he loved me before, but I it was something about him professing his love in that way love in front of all these people...I got caught up in the moment. I cried. Then the lights went down, the spotlight was on us( Out of all these times I had been in this club, I never knew Ambitious had a spotlight until now) and our song...the song he had written and sang for me, came on...and we danced.

I'm glad I don't wear much makeup because it would have been messed up at this point. He smiled and sang along with the words as he held me close...I smiled and cried at the same time. I laid my head on his chest, and got lost in the moment. After we danced, they cranked the music back up, and the party back in full effect.

Everyone seemed to be having a good time. The one thing that I can say about my boy's club is...the food is so good. The people that he hired to cook at this place know how to throw down. It opens up at 5 pm daily, and they have something there every night except Sunday. Sometimes I just stop by there in the evenings just to eat. Pretty or not, I was starving and this was my night! I did have a little class. I didn't pile the food up like I wanted to, I took a little of this, and a little of that...then told Ambitious to make sure they packed some food for me to take home.

It was a huge success and I was very happy by the end of the night. My feet were tired and I couldn't wait to get out of that dress and into my bed.

I was home, happy, and in the bed. Just as I was about to thank my man for the party, the phone began to ring. My family has a bad habit of calling me all times of the night starting at midnight on my birthday, so I ignored it. But it didn't stop! It just kept on ringing. Over and over. It was late and I was tired...He finally reached to answer the phone, and it was the mother my very pregnant girl, Angel. She said, they were on their way to the hospital and Angel wanted me to come. We jumped up got dressed,and drove as fast as we could to get there. On the way to the hospital I got in touch with everyone in my circle, and they were all in route. Although I knew that first babies normally take a long time to come, I wanted to be there with her.

After about 8 hours of labor and a couple of energy drinks, I witnessed my god-daughter come into the world, on MY BIRTHDAY...

I was so concerned about the baby's health. For those of you that have been reading my blog for a while, Angel is the one who got pregnant by her cheating husband who she found out had 2 kids on the side...It was a mess...

The baby is okay, and so is my girl. We all made a fuss over the baby and left...We were extra tired from all the excitement of the night. I couldn't wait to hit the bed...I would have to give my man all his thank yous later...

It rained all day Sunday, and my cookout, became a cook-in. I almost slept through it. I had a good time with my family...All the laughing...talking...drama.

So I guess I can say that my weekend went well. I turned a year older, I have a new god-daughter, I got a lot of gifts that I have yet to open, and I am tired...

My foreign co worker got me a nice set of pens for my birthday. He brought them over with him this morning. I told him that a gift wasn't necessary, but he insisted. He said it was not only for my birthday, but also for my generosity. My man gave him a slight look of disgust as I thanked him this. He will only be here for a few more days. For the most part, we are finished with our project and it's time for him to return home. I must admit, it has been quite an experience.

What was your most memorable birthday experience (good or bad)?

Go Luvin'.... It's Your Birthday!

My birthday is Sunday!

They think I don't know. All the sneaking around...all the phone calls...secret meetings. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me...I've figured it out...They are throwing me a surprise party! Ambitious and my man think they are slick. I don't want to ruin it for them. They have been working so hard. So I'll make sure to add a little something extra when I express my faux shock to them on Saturday night.

On Sunday I will turning twenty seven! Although I can't say that I feel any older, I know that I have grown so much within the past year.

My best friend is taking me shopping this afternoon to choose my own gift since he says that I like the simplest things, but I am the hardest person to buy for.

Then I am off to the full service salon, compliments of my man of course. He has so much planned for me this weekend...I can't wait!

Tomorrow afternoon, I will be doing brunch with my mom, dad, and brother. After that, my brother and I will be hanging out for a while. I think they have him taking me shopping again, to keep me away. It's cool though. I love hanging out with my brother. He is one of the nicest, funniest, craziest guys I know. When I hang with him, I know I am in for a good time no matter what we get into.

My parents are throwing me a big bash at their house on Sunday afternoon. I can't wait!


I took a day off to start my birthday weekend off right...

I am up putting a few finishing touches on our project for work. I wouldn't want my foreign collegue to get stuck finishing things up by himself...I know I'm a work-a-holic, but I have to get it finished!

My man is off work today as well so we'll be enjoying each other for the rest of the day. He is joining me at the spa. He enjoys getting pampered too. At first he was kind of skeptical, but after his first visit with me, he was hooked. He said his brothers laughed at him when he told them where I was dragging him off to, until he told him that he was in a salon full of women, touching him at their leisure. Now they want to give it a try...LOL

Today I just feel extra special. I can't put my finger on it. I don't know if it's the feeling of making love to the one you love at the crack of dawn. It could be the anticipation of what he has in store for me...Or just knowing that this is MY weekend and I have so much going on...But I feel great!

Have a great weekend!

Don't you just love those days when everything feels right!

Things Going Through My Head

What is going on with the people around me? They have left so many questions in my head....


What's with her wearing an outfit then asking me how she looks. Boo, you knew you looked a hot mess before you left the house...Don't expect me to tell you anything different because you're my friend. Go take that s*** off!

When did white eyeliner become cool. I thought it was supposed to add a dramatic affect when applied under the eyes...Go take that s*** off!

Where did the idea of wearing pants under skirts come from. It is not a good look. Go take that s*** off!

Why did he have on a shirt that looked like it belonged to his baby brother, six years ago, and then have the nerve to ask me for my number while I was pumping my gas? Get away from me...then...Go take that s*** off!

Why did he have on gold shoes. Boo that it not cute! Take that s*** off!

Silver lipstick is not for everyone. Go take that s*** off!

If your stomach hangs below your low rise jeans, they are not for you. Go take that s*** off.

My people...My people...Why did this young chic try to sell me $100 worth of food stamps for $90 outside of the store where I mentor my teen girls? I normally don't say much to people I don't know, but what the heck.... Since she felt the need question me, it was my turn to question her... The first question I asked her was, "do you have kids?" She looked confused and said,
"yes, I have 4." Then I asked, "where are they now?" She said, "at home with my momma." I said, "are they hungry?" She said, "I don't know, why?" I just stood there and looked at her for a moment, shook my head,and turned and walked into the store. She just stood there with a confused look on her face. Some women will never get it...

Why did she stuff her feet, that looked like they should be in size 10 double wide, into those size 6 shoes that I wanted...the last pair in the store, then ask me how they looked? They look like they should have been going home with me instead of you...Take that s*** off!

Why do exes feel the need to call you out of the blue as if your feelings for them have changed? They are exes for a reason...Hang up the phone!

How are you going to have on leather shoes made in China, sitting in a building owned by Jews, with an Italian leather bag at your side, eating Mexican food, with an African father, and a German mother ,and have the nerve to sit across from me and be a racist? WTH?

How you gonna come to me "grilled out" and ask me to give your car a boost? If you put as much money into your car as you did your mouth, we wouldn't be having this conversation...

Why would you spend all your money on clothes, then start crying when you had an eviction notice on your door? What did you expect, a miracle? Cut it out...

Why would you start dating someone that you have nothing in common with, sleep with him on the first date, and then complain to me that he doesn't communicate with you? Did I miss something?

Why is my man working himself so hard to look good for me? Why is getting finer by the day?
Why would I still love him the same if he was fat, bald, and walked with a limp?

Why is my child testing my patience this early in the morning?

Why do I still have the ability to get my daughter's dad to do anything I ask? I mean I don't ask for very much, but why is he willing to do anything I ask him to do?

Although I have so many more questions, that's enough for now...

So Much To Do...So Little Time

We've been up half the night working...We have a lot to finish by this afternoon so I'll check back in with you bloggers later...The faster we get done, the sooner he goes back home....

How Far Does Trust Go?

He walked into the house and didn't say a word. No kiss, no hug, no "how was your day" just total silence. He sat on the couch holding his head, trying to figure out how to approach the situation.

We had a really big argument yesterday afternoon. I guess it had been building up for some time. Yesterday, the s*** hit the fan. Normally I listen to him, but if my heart is set on something and I feel it will benefit us in the long run, I'm going to do it.

I have been saving for the last few months for the wedding. I didn't tell him about the money that I had saved for the simple fact that I didn't feel the need to. I wasn't keeping it from him purposely. In my eyes I was just saving...

I told him yesterday afternoon that I finally had enough money to pay for everyone's flight and hotel room. He looked at me as if I had spit in his face. He was like, "When were you going to tell me that you were saving for the wedding behind me back? I told you that I would take care of it" I was like WTF? Behind your back? I was just saving. I have done it all my life, and now is not an exception. He says that he feels I am too independent. He says it's like I cut him off before he can ever get started.

I am a visionary, or at least I try to be. The buyer that was supposed to purchase his house pulled out before he could close the deal so now he has 3 months to find a new buyer, plus he has several other things on his plate. He said that he could handle it, so I didn't get involved. But what is wrong with me making sure that my wedding day is all that I want it to be? What if he doesn't find a buyer before our trip? What if he has to keep paying for a house that he doesn't live in? I didn't say these things to him, but it is the grim reality of home ownership.

He said that I didn't allow him to be the man. I feel like marriage is a partnership. When one person is having a problem, the other one should step up to the plate to help. Yesterday, I saw that our ideas are different. He feels that I should just let him handle it. He asked me if I would keep my money, and let him take care of things like he said he would. After a couple of hours of going back and forth I decided to just let it be. If he wants to stress himself with financial matters, I'm going to let him do. I will continue saving though because he just might let his mouth write a check that his behind can't cash...

I thought it was over. He came home yesterday evening with the same thing. To me, it's not that serious. I saved some money and offered to help him. What's the big deal? He said to me, "Honey, I am not one of your charity cases. I am the man that is soon to be your husband, and I don't need you to fix this for me." I sat there for a moment, taking in what he said. Is that how he thought of me. Does he feel that I try to fix people? I don't know why those words hurt so much, but I refused to let him see me shed a tear...I cried in the shower... We spent the rest of the evening not saying a word, although every time we passed each other, we looked at each other with that familiar look...but anger was outweighing love at that moment.

For the first time, we went to bed angry. It took me a while to drift off to sleep. I laid there next to him, listening to him breathe. Angry that he thought I tried to fix him... Then I heard nothing at all. Sleep had prevailed. He woke me up in the middle of the night. He was sitting on the bed next to me.

He said, "I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. It's just that you have been doing things for yourself for so long, you have to learn how to let go and let me love you and take care of you. I promise I won't fail you. You have to trust me."

I said, "Do you really think I try to fix the world?" He said, "No. You have a good heart, and you mean well, but sometimes you get in over your head trying to help others. This time, I want to help you." He was telling the truth, so I got over myself and let it go...

I have a fear of being let down by men. I am working on it though. I realize that this man is different, and I have to give him a chance to be the man he is trying to be for me. But that WILL NOT stop me from saving my own money...Next time, I'll just keep my BIG mouth shut!


Why is it so hard for us to let go, even if we know in our hearts that everything will be alright?

Why is it so hard for us as humans to fully trust another person?

I know we use the word trust loosely at times, but can you really say that you trust someone(other than your family)... with your life...your heart...your child...your friendship?

He Doesn't Know...

My family and I had a great time this weekend, but playtime is over, and I have work to do!

Being that I hang with a mixed crowd, we are faced with some challenging, and sometimes trying situations. I only blog about a few of them, but believe me, things get a little out of sorts at times...

The most recent instance came out last week at the pool party that was thrown at my house. I was so into myself and him last week that I had little time to focus on anyone else's issues...But here goes...

I have a female friend that was dating this guy. He's a real social- lite, and he is all over the place. If something is going on around town, he's in the mix. She brought him around me a couple of times. He seems cool, he's just a little over the top for my taste.... but to each his own.
After seeing him for the first time Diva said that he was gay...but then again, Diva says everyone is gay. He only mentioned it to Softspoken and I, and we really never though much about it because we know how Diva is. At that time, the guy had never seen Softspoken or Ambitious.

Long story short, my friend brought him over to the pool party. He was staring both of my boys down with a vengeance, and he was looking at my foreign coworker as well. Diva noticed this and said something to my girl about it. She says that it's normal for people to look at other people. Diva is convinced that this guy is gay, or at least curious. My girl is dead set against it.

Do you think that we naturally look at half naked people of the same sex without having sexual thoughts? Could it just be admiration?

We all met up last night after I got back in town despite the fact that I was dead tired. A friend of ours had a house warming party. After the party, we hung out for a little while at this trendy spot that we frequent. She brought him along again. This time I noticed the way he was looking at Ambitious. There was a spark of desire in his eyes...I mean, he had the look. The same look that I give my man,..Ambitious smiled at him politely, as he does everyone. My girl noticed the way he was lusting over my friend too. After about fifteen minutes or so, she breaks out with, "Are you gay?"

There was dead silence. We all wanted to know. He looked at her and said, "Why would you ask me something like that? I came here with a woman, and I am leaving with a woman. I can't believe the things you say sometimes." He was upset, and she let it go. But in the true spirit of messy a** Diva, he had to say something...He said what we all were thinking, "Excuse me but, You didn't answer the question." He got angry at the question and told my friend he was ready to go. She got up said her goodbyes, and they left.

I agree, she should not have put him on blast like that. It was so tacky...but why didn't he answer the question? After thinking about it for a moment I came to the conclusion that maybe he really didn't know the answer himself. Why does there have to be a definite yes or no? Maybe he loves women and is attracted to men as well...Whew...

I can never say that I understand what it feels like to have an attraction or feelings for someone of the same sex because at this point, I haven't had those types of feelings. I mean, I have seen pretty ladies who have nice bodies, but I have never wanted a pretty lady with a nice body... I hang around gay and straight men, and do see the tendencies that they both have. From my experiences with gay men, I have concluded that this guy does have gay tendencies, but does that mean that he is gay? My only concern is that my friend may get hurt in the process, but if she chooses to keep dating this guy after she has questioned his sexuality, then I have to let her make her own decision.

So what do you think?

I've Come A Long Way

Remembering how my life used to be. The struggles, the scraping, the no good men, the dead end job...I realize that I have come a long way. There were times that I thought I would break. Times that I was near death...Times that I thought I wouldn't make it. But I made it.

Right now I am at a point where things have been good for me, consistently. I have been able to pay my bills and then have something left over for me to actually live and enjoy my family....

As I climb the biological ladder to yet another year (I'll be 27 on next Sunday), I realize that my faith has brought me thus far, and by faith I shall continue to prosper.

Some type of job will always be there, but I realize that I must cherish my family.
I have decided to take this weekend off...He and I will get back to work first thing Monday morning...The weather has been nice, so my little family(my man, my daughter, and I) is going on a weekend rendevous. We are staying at a "Kid Friendly" hotel, so I know my daughter is going to love it. It makes it a lot easier on me too.

When was the last time that you put everything aside and gave your time to the people who are closest to you?


As you know, most of my posts are based on my experiences, or the experiences of the people around me, being that I really don't like to give an opinion on something that I know nothing about. So today won't be any different...

One of the girls in my teen group is in a situation where she has both parents in the home, but the house is divided. She and her father are on one side of the tracks( in his eyes she can do no wrong)...and her mother and older sister are on the other side. It is destroying any chance that she will have to be successful. Her father gives her things, regardless to whether she does wrong, (disrepects adults, skips school, runs away to be with her boyfriend)...It doesn't matter. Her mother talks to her in a way that no mother should ever speak to their child. She calls her every name in the book, and degrades her on a daily basis. The father is trying to buy his child's love. He thinks it will change the way she acts.

Now they have sent her to me because neither parent can control her. I can counsel her all day long, but when she goes back to such a unheathly environment, it seems that my work is in vain. She comes to me week in and week out, but nothing has changed. How do I get these parents to see that THEY are this child's biggest problem? Do you have any suggestions because at this point I am all out of answers...I have talked to them. They stop for a few weeks, then it right back to the same old thing. I suggested that they all go see a family counselor. They looked at me like I was nuts. They said, "We're not the ones in danger, she is." I don't want to give up on them, but what is a sistah to do?

Where did the breakdown of the family begin...Absentee parents? Abuse? Or is it that the parents just don't care? Or do they not know how to be a parent to these kids?

I'm Over It...

Yesterday I worked for half the day, then stroked my man's ego for the remainder of the day. Being that we were ahead of schedule, it really won't have a big affect on our work.

We got off to an early start this morning. He's sitting here, still looking lovely, still smelling wonderful, but I've gotten over it....

I think I may take him into the office for a couple of hours and let the ladies drool over him for a while. There are a couple of places that he wants to see while he's here too. So for the most part, we will be out and about for a small part of the afternoon. The weather is nice, and our project is coming together nicely...

Just wanted to stop in a say hi, and hit up a few blogs...I'll be back later this afternoon...

Are you the type of person who stops trouble before it starts...or do you get caught in the middle?

Take a Deep Breath...

I made it through the day without getting myself into trouble. I just have to keep it up for a few more weeks and I'll be okay...

He's taunting me with his scent...His smile...His voice. The way he says my name...and he knows it...We finished fairly early last night and started early this morning. That's how I am when I am in the middle of something good. I have to keep going...That's the life of a perfectionist...

I have to stay grounded...have to keep my composure...

I thought of him, while lying in the arms of the man I love. I felt so guilty...But as soon as my man spoke to me, the thoughts faded as quickly as they came. This man is having a crazy affect on me. I ALWAYS keep it together around men. Why is he an exception to the rule?

Ah Ha! He is my forbidden fruit...

Even though we work in different parts of the world, we interact everyday...I could NEVER cross that line. This is a true test of strength and loyalty. I talked to Softspoken about it last night. My friends have been talking about him non-stop since Saturday. They keep telling me what I need to do. If you have never been in a compromising situation like this one, it easy to say what needs to be done. I know what is in my heart, therefore I can keep my head in the right place. But many people would have jumped his bones by now. I'm not that woman...

Every time I notice something about him, I realize something even better about the man that I have...This man is just a fantasy. What I have is real...

My man had a dentist's appointment yesterday, and he decided not to go into work. I was sitting at my table, across from two gorgeous men who both thought I was working diligently. Three laptops...Three people...All with different thoughts running through their minds. One was sitting slightly to the right. He looked up from time to time, and asked me if I had come up with anything new. I shook my head in response, and kept typing. The one to my left was smiling at me from his heart. He stroked the bottom of my foot that I have propped up in the chair beside him, playfully, as he typed away on his laptop. Then he gave me look that lets me know he loves me...he wants me. Then it starts...

Hey sexy lady...(This is from my man of course) I respond...He smiles.

Then He starts talking..."What are you working on, that has you smiling that way?" I just reply..."I just love my work, what can I say?"

My man types...You look so nice this morning. Do you think you could sneak away for a lunchtime treat with someone who is sweet on you?

I type back...that could be arranged...

Then he says, I just came up with something new. Would you like to take a look at it?

I got up and walked to where he was sitting. His idea was great. My man looked at me with a knowing expression on his face. Once I get something in my head, that's it. I ride it out until the end. He knew that our plans for lunch had just been cancelled.

I went back to my seat, and my man starts up again. He says, So much for that thought huh? I reply...You know how I am. I have to get finished with my work, and then we'll play.

He types, Well maybe we can do an early dinner...I respond...We'll have to see how things go today.

Then he says, I have something else to show you. I came up with it late last night. I couldn't sleep so I kept working after I got back to the hotel.. His new development what we had been working on all day long on yesterday. He had finished it. Now we are ready to move on to phase two. I am happy, but sad that I'll be missing my lunchtime treat.

I said, "It looks like we have a lot of work to do." My man shot me a disappointed look. I looked down at my laptop.

He closed his laptop and said, "I guess I'll leave you two work-a holics to what you do best. I think I'm going to go into the office and get some things done."

I could tell he was pissed...First of all, my man saw how I was looking at him on Saturday. Now I am canceling out on him for another man. He can't take it...I excused myself and followed him to the back of the house. I could have sworn he had a smirk on his face when I got up...

My man was preparing to go to work, and I stopped him. I took him by the hands, looked him directly in the eyes, and asked what was wrong. He said. "I don't know if I'm going to be able to deal with all this working. Your work is now cutting into OUR time. You have to find a balance." I promised him that I would try to finish up early a few days this week, so that we could have some time. He accepted my response. He kissed me long and hard as he was leaving the house. I could feel him watching.

I went back to the table, and we worked for a while. I finished up at a decent hour, and still had time left for my family.

As the days go by, I think this will get a little easier...

Don't you hate it when it hard for you to control your situations?

What do you do balance time between work and play?

Oh My Goodness!

Over the next few weeks, I will be working with my European counterpart to develop a new product for my job. I had to pick him up from the airport on Friday evening. He didn't get his rental car until Saturday morning. I didn't know what to expect. I just hoped that he was pleasant, being that I would have to be in his presence for the next few weeks. I never took the time to go through the company directory to see how he looked, so I just stood there. I talked to him on Monday and he said that he had already looked me up, and he would see me on Friday. I love his accent. With the ever-changing technology, we have to attend so many classes, whether it's via the web, or sitting in a lecture hall for the evening. He had attended a class that I had to give a presentation in last year, and he remembered my face...Hmmm...

I stood and waited as the people de-boarded the plane. I felt like I was in Fort Knox with all the security measures I had to go through, and I wasn't even trying to fly anywhere. Then...

He walked up to me. I just stood there and stared at him for a second. He had on a short sleeved white shirt, and linen shorts that contrasted perfectly with is dark chocolate skin. His head was bald, and he had the straightest, whitest teeth, I had ever seen. He stood there smiling at me without saying a word. Finally I snapped out of my trance and managed to say. "Hello, and welcome to America. How was your flight " He smiled and said, "Long, and I am honored to be here. With all of the problems going on in Europe right now, I might be staying longer than expected." What? There is no way I would be able to be around this man and effectively get any work done for more than a few hours a day as it is...

I took him to his hotel. I told him that I would let him relax for the rest of the evening, and I would see him early on Saturday morning. For the next few weeks, there will be no "off days" for me...

We got started bright and early. We work very well together. He spoke with perfect diction. Even his breath was sweet. I was about to lose it. Sitting that close, that long, with such a beautiful creature. I was sitting there, engulfed in my work, and I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn't look up. I jumped when my phone rang and broke the silence. It was my man. I quickly answered. I always smile when I talk to him...I could still feel his eyes burning a hole in the side of my face but I still didn't make eye contact. My man asked how things were going. I told him that things were going well, and we would be finished for the day, earlier than expected. He told me to invite my college to the pool party. I paused for a moment. Then I said, "We'll see." My man hesitated before he spoke, then he just said, "Okay, I'll talk to you a little later."

I sat there for a moment, thinking about what my man had said. I was trying to keep this thing as professional as possible.

We worked throughout the afternoon, only stopping to take a break for lunch, and we decided to call it quits later that evening. As I was packing up to leave, I asked him if he had anything planned for the evening. He said no, so I invited him over to the pool party that my man's brother was throwing at my house. I told him to call me when he was ready, and I would give him directions to my house.

Needless to say that getting to my place is a bit confusing, and he got lost. I left to find him and my man stayed to watch the house. With all these people around that we didn't know, one of us had to be there.

I finally figured out where he was and told him to pull into a gas station and wait for me. I pulled up next to him and told him to follow me. He was a good driver being that he was from a country with a whole different set of driving rules. ( I later found out that he had been to the US quite often, so he had learned a lot over the years).

When I got back to my house, I walked him inside. My friends and my man were all sitting in the family room, waiting on us to get back. All the ladies and the funny boys had the same reaction I did at the airport. They just gawked at him. I introduced him to the crew, and then to my man. Then I showed him to the bathroom so that he could get changed and ready for some fun.

The rest of us went out back to join the festivities. The party was nice. The crowd was fairly young, but they were cool. Then...he walked outside in these fitted trunks. OMG! His presence commanded attention. His stride was confident and powerful. I was so glad that my man was sitting slightly in front of my so that he could not see the way that I was looking at that man. I took in every muscle, every ripple. He came and sat down with the rest of us and I had to take a deep breath. All eyes were on him as he walked to join the rest of us. By then, I am sure there was not a pair of dry panties in the room...

That man is beautiful. He's smart. He smells wonderful...My heart races when he smiles at me...and when he speaks to me, I have to try to keep my composure. But it's not the same feeling that I get when I see my man. He just makes me nervous for some reason. I don't think it's an attraction, but I don't know what it is...

The music was playing, and everyone was having a good time. He fit in just fine. My man got up and started to dance...Then he turned and looked at me, smiling. He grabbed my hand, and I hesitantly got up to join him. We clowned for a while, entertaining the guest with our sultry dancing, and then we went back to sit down. As I was walking back to my seat, I could see him looking at me and smiling. He complimented us on our moves, then he walked over to the pool and dove in. Everyone watched his every move (including me)...

My man began to notice the way I was watching him. Every time I was looking at him, my man was looking at me...But I couldn't help it. I was drawn in like a magnet...

After the party, I offered to lead him back to his hotel. My man left Diva and Softspoken to watch the house. This time, he came with me. He was jealous, but he was trying so hard not to show it, but we all picked up on it...It was kinda cute. He was on my heels for the rest of the evening. He went everywhere that I went...We left the hotel and headed back to my house.

My man didn't say anything during our ride back home. Neither did I.

After we finished cleaning up, we were off to bed. My man out did himself. What was he trying to prove? As I laid in his arms I said, " I might have been looking at him, but I am in love with you and only you. You are the only man that will forever have my heart and all that comes with it." He kissed me and held me tighter, and we drifted off to sleep. That was exactly what he needed...a little reassurance.

I worked with him again on Sunday. He looked just as good as he did on the first day. Perfectly chiseled body, highly intelligent, lovely accent, beautiful smile, and he smelled wonderful once again...but we kept it professional. The tension in the room was so thick you could have cut it with a knife...Still he stared, not saying a word...This time, I made eye contact, smiling at him...him smiling back. We ordered in for lunch and took a little more time to get to know each other. He is fairly interesting. After we finished up for the evening, he invited me to dinner and I had to turn him down. I couldn't put myself in a compromising situation. I went home to my man...

Since he really doesn't know anyone in town, I invited him to my family's cookout on Monday, that actually turned into a inside thing being that it rained all day. That is another post altogether!

I just know that the next few weeks will be an adventure of sorts, but I am in total control(for now)...I know my man loves me...I know how to draw the line between business and pleasure...I know that I have a job to ...I know what I have at home and have to let my love and my commitment help me to resist the temptation that I have ahead of me...

Isn't it hard to make a choice to do the right thing when in the back of your mind you want to do the wrong thing?

Don't you just want to tell that little voice to shut up sometimes?


He will be coming to work with me at my home in the next few minutes, and I have to try to get through yet another day of being close to the man...Pray for me!

Just A Few Random Thoughts...

I have written so many mushy posts about my man, yet I still have so much more to say...

I remember when he first told me he loved me, and asked me to trust him. I was hesitant, but I am so glad that I gave my heart to him. He has proven himself time and time again.

I'm in love, and I know I'm loved in return. He shows me every moment he gets. But people have different ways of loving people...Different ways of showing that special someone how they feel...

I know I'm loved because of the way he treats me...The consistency he gives me, and the small gestures he makes to reassure me that I am all the woman that he needs... I love him so much...

What is love to you?



The center where I mentor the teen girls had a plumbing disaster, and is closed for a few weeks. I may try to get the girls together somewhere else starting next week... Maybe I'll see if we can use one of the classrooms at my church...Hmmm

For some of them, I am the only stable person in their life to give them guidance and to show them that I care. All the sacrifices I make for them are worth it. They keep me grounded. They keep me humble and honest. Sometimes I think I need them just as much as they need me....

Why do people have kids, and don't want to take the time to take care of them?



When she walked into the house after a long day's work. She turned on the light switch...Nothing happened. She attempted to turn on another. Nothing. A few minutes later, he walks in. Everything he has on is new from head to toe ( as usual). It was all purchased with her money. He attempts to turn on the lights...Nothing....He turns around and walks out the door saying nothing, gets into his new ride that she pays for, and drives away. She calls me. We have become friends over the last couple of months. Our men are brothers, but are as different as night and day. She tells me the story. I sit there holding my head. It's too close to the first of the month for this...All of my bills are set up around the first. I plan it that way so I can get them out of the way. She cries...I listen. After I pay all my figure all my bills, there is something left. I take it to her. Now she has lights. Now I don't have the shoes I have been trying to get for two weeks now...Is it my fault...No...Can I live without them...I guess....Do I want to...NO! If she wants to be his "Suga Momma", that's her business. Just be able to take care of your bills first!

He came home. There were lights. He said nothing about them. Neither did she. She called and told me this. I got a little upset. How could she have a man in her house that she could not question about anything? Why was she so scared that he would be angry? Why was she so scared that he may leave?

She asked me not to tell my man. She was too embarrassed and she knew if my man said anything to his brother about it, he'd be angry at her. I told her we don't keep secrets...I told him. He got upset. He said that I shouldn't have done it. Told me that they will milk me dry if I let them. Told me that his brother is a nice person, but he uses people. Said if she wanted to be used, let her. But when she starts asking me for help to let him use her, it becomes his problem. I didn't know all of this was going on. He asked me not to give them money again. I agreed. He called his brother. Use me once, shame one you....Use me twice shame on ME...

She called me this morning crying. He didn't come home last night. She was upset because I told my man. Said that it was my fault. WTH? I told her, "Sweety, he was not with me last night, so I don't know how it could be my fault. My man is right here laying next to me. Don't blame me for your problems. Put the blame where it lies. On your man, and yourself for allowing him to do what he wants to you. If you continue to let him do what he wants and then go one like business as usual, he'll keep doing you wrong. So maybe you should be calling him instead of me.'" I politely hung up the phone and nestled back into my little space right next to my man...She's got some nerve blaming me for her mistakes, and I'm the reason she has lights right now...

Why do people go through so much just to have a mate?

Why do people feel it is better to have someone and be miserable than to be by yourself and be happy?