Some Sanity in My Insane World

I am so tired that I can't think straight today. My brain is on Auto-Pilot. I have not had any sleep, and I have not spent anytime with my man. Between work, my friends and the studio, and my daughter(gymnastics, dance, and soccer), I have had little time for me. I am running on E. My man is starting to get a little antsy, so I have to slow down and give him some much needed TLC.

Is it me, or does your partner speak a silent language, letting you know what they need? They try not to come off as being jealous or controlling, but deep inside they really want to say, WHAT ABOUT ME! I learned long ago to look for the small things. The signals that they give. The little things can make or break a relationship!

I'm only going to work a half day today, so I can devote the rest of my day to him. I am sending my daughter off to her dad's...Which is right up her alley.

I'll have to take a little nap, so I will be ready!

Have a Nice Day everyone, and don't forget to Love Yourself, because I am definitely Luvin' Me!

Everything Has a Price!

I am exhausted! I have been going non-stop since Friday.

I had a couple of friends fly in from Cali last week, and they have worn me out. They are in town writing/producing an album for an upcoming music artist. They will probably be here for a few months, depending on how long the process will take. The CD is going to be hot when it hits the streets! They are so talented. I normally don't post pics, but I will post some pics of the studio later this week. I am so proud of my boys! They are making big money and big moves. This is their first time in Dallas, so they don't know their way around. They have been traveling for the past year with only a one week break in between, so they were in need of some R&R and home cooked meals! I cooked for them on Sunday, and they went crazy! They ate everything! I'm glad they were happy. I probably got about 8 hours of sleep (total) since Thursday. I have been hanging with them, and I don't know how they do it. The money...the parties...the women..long working hours. But it was so exciting. I am no groupie, but I have never had so many famous people talk to me face to face in my life. I was in a different world this weekend...where I didn't have to come out of my pocket for anything and money was no object. I have to admit. It was nice!

The sad thing that I learned this weekend is, EVERYTHING has a price. People truely sell their souls for money. I met a group of females this weekend that were brought in by the 'upcoming artist." The new artist already has money, so music is just something that he is trying out. These women are ridiculous. They do WHATEVER he wants with no questions asked.. He doesn't really pay them, he just buys them nice things from time to time. They just like the fact that they can be with him. It was crazy. I saw all sorts of things this weekend. My boys were not distracted by the women (and these girls were BAD! I meal all shades all shapes, they were beautiful). They just kept working like it was nothing. They are on a mission. My friend explained to me that when women sell themselves short, they lose their value like any other expendible goods. The law of supply and demand, they have to money, and the women provide themselves to them for almost nothing. Just because they Have money. Now is it me, or do any of you think like I do. I said to him, "What does your money have to do with me. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I still have to wake up and work like all the other normal people in the world." He just smiled and said, "that's why I love you girl, You keep it real no matter what." He said that, it makes them lose their worth. They are no longer seen as women, just things. I was like whoa. I have never really thought of it that way.

I was the only women in the studio this weekend that was treated with respect. It felt really nice. One girl actually came uo to me asked me what I did to get the royal treatment. She said, either "you are family or have some good p***y to get the royal treatment. You must have f****d one of them really good to have it like that!" I just looked at her and smiled. I didn't feed into her little game. I just said. "I have my ways." In reality, I was in shock. Have we sank so low to believe that sex is our only asset. I was there becuase these guys trust me. Not because I have something physical to offer them. What I gave them was much more valuable than money. I gave them friendship! If friendship is real, it has no price! Hopefully these women can get it together before it's too late. (I doubt it! They are so messed up in the head.)

Do you feel like everything has a price? Would you sell yourself short for money? What are your thoughts?

Karma is a Mutha....

Just when she thought she had gotten away, it came back and slapped her in the face....Karma, that is....

I have always to made it a habit to treat people right, no matter what.

I have a friend. We'll call her High Class. She wants nothing but the best. Clothes, cars, you name it. At this point, she takes care of herself, and buys her own things, so I guess it's okay. But it wasn't always that way. She has used many people on her rise to the top. Particularly men.

She feels that all men are going to hurt you in the end, so why not beat them to the punch. I told her that was an awful way to live, but I can only be a friend, I can't think for her. She used this guy, we'll call him Balla to the limit. He paid her rent in advance for a year. He bought her a new car. Gave her money whenever she wanted. Credit cards... He really loved her. She played him for a fool. Used him up! He lost his job, and while in transition to something else, he told her that they would have to slow down on spending. She was furious (and this is HIS money)! She drained him mentally and financially. I have never seen a grown man cry like that. He was so stressed out. She took him for everything he had. I really felt sorry for him, but she had no mercy. She broke it off with him because he no longer had money the way he had before. He was still cool with all of us, so he continued to come around. A few days later she brought this other guy around, and he was devastated. He tried to talk to her and reason with her, but she just treated him so cold in front of everyone over and over again. We didn't hear from him for a long time after that.

He called me a few days ago. He wanted to check in on everyone to see how we were doing, and let everyone know what was going on in his life. Now, he has opened his own engineering firm and is doing very well for himself. He is supposed to get married in the fall. High Class lost her VERY GOOD job about a week ago, and is starting something new. She is taking a huge salary cut. When she found out he was getting married, she went crazy. She is so jealous. She has been crying for the last few days. I told her it was senseless to cry. He was gone! All of that could have been hers if she would have just been patient and given this guy a chance to be a man and not a bank. Now she calling him, trying to get him back. He is not having it! I feel sorry for my friend, but I am happy for him. Happy that he got away when he did. Is that wrong? My how the tables turn!

Always treat people right because you never know...You just might miss your blessing in disguise. You never known when karma will come back on you, and this time for her, it was a mutha!

Do you believe in the power of karma? Do you feel that your current situation could be a direct consequence of the choices you have made in your life? What are your thoughts?

Be Careful What You Wish For...

I thought it was a match made in heaven. A story that started even too good to be a fairy tale. It was my real life fairy tale, and I was living it!

For most people, there is that one relationship in your life that changes you forever. It can either be one that will be lifelong and result in marriage. It can be your one true love;the one you never forget. Or it can be a disaster and affect the way you are for the rest of your life.

I used to date this guy. He was older than I was. He was a doctor. I, unlike most women, was not impressed by his status. I just knew that the title came with responsibity and long hours at work. I have always had the philosophy that nice things only mean Big Bills...

I have always been driven. I was determined to be independant. I moved out of my parents house at 17, had a kid at 18, and in the same year, started my first year of college. I was determined to rise above what society thought I was destined to be...a failure. My daughter's dad went off to college in another state, so we had very little contact when she was young (some weekends and holidays). I was forced to raise her alone. Working, going to school, and being a mom. That was a rough time in my life that helped to mold me into the woman I am today. But I would soon find out that a tougher time would come.

I met this doctor, and to me, he was wonderful...at first. We traveled the world. I have been to many foreign places, and seen many things, all because of him. He wanted me to experience the best, and for him, I would do anything. I lost myself in him. I allowed what he wanted for me to become my reality. With him, I bought my first home at 20 (had my name on it, but his money went into it). We agreed to live together for a year to see how things worked out, and then we would get married if things were great. It was a very nice place. Large rooms, big yard, pool, 4500 sq ft of living space, and I thought I was in heaven. I was the envy of all of my friends. We had lavish parties. He gave me everything I wanted. He came from 'old money' so with him, money was not an issue. Then all of a sudden, things started to crumble...

He came home one day with a very strange look on his face. He was talking on the phone, and he was very angry, but he wouldn't tell me what was going on. He did not say a word to me that day, and everything went downhill form there. I kept thinking, what in world could make a man act this way, and then shut out the person he was supposed to love. He came to me the next day and told me that he just found out he had a son. He had taken a DNA test, and the child was in fact his. The mother called him and told him that she was tired of raising a kid alone, and she wanted him to take the child. He was willing to help her take care of him, but could not handle the full task of taking care of his son. I assured him that everything would be okay.

His son's mom dropped the kid off...6 years old...on a Monday, and little did we know that was last we would see of her...I thought to myself, how could a mother abandon her child? I had no idea what I had in store, but like most situations ,I tried to tackle it positively.

I was doing fine with the child for a whole year (still not married to this man), but then I realized something. This little boy was with ME all the time. Where in the heck were his parents. While I am taking care of this little boy, and my daughter, his parents are living their lives as if they don't have a child. I sat his father down to discuss this, and he got very angry. He told that he made me what I was, and if I wanted to maintain the lifestyle that I was living, I would take care of his son like he was my own. The words rang over and over in my head..."I MADE YOU!" I was now upset. I told him that I had grown to love this child, but I was not this little boy's mother, and he needed to spend time with his son, so that he could have at least have one of his parents. He was not hearing it.

A few days later, at the beginning of summer, he sent his son to stay with his parents for two weeks, to get to know them. My daughter went away to stay with her dad for a week. I had a free week to myself, and was very excited. Little did I know, my life would be changed forever.

He came home on a Friday evening. I will never forget the look in his eyes. He was drunk(and he never drank), and I was nervous. He said that he had thought of some of the things that I said to him about his son, and it was true. He needed to be there. Then he looked me in my eyes and said with a smile on his face, if I ever left him and his son, he would kill me. I was like, "What", and he repeated it. He told me that he needed me and could not live without me, and since he couldn't live without me, I would literally die without him.

As you could expect, I was very shaken up. I couldn't sleep. I had to get out of there. I got up the next morning, took a shower, and attempted to leave. He wanted to know where I was going. I told him, to the mall, but I knew that I had no intention on retuning. I guess he knew what I was thinking. I got in my car and attempted to crank it, but it wouldn't budge (Later I found out that he had removed the spark plugs). I went back inside and he was sitting on the couch smiling at me with this evil grin. The he said, I told you you can't leave me, EVER! I froze for a moment, then I reached for the phone, no dial tone. I attempted to use my cell phone, but the battery had been removed. It was at that point that I realized that I was in love with a nutcase! He then started to laugh and said, "You thought I was going to let you get away that easily? You thought I was playing with you?" I was so scared. I just sat there, crying and praying that this man would not kill me.

He pulled his gun out of his pocket and placed it on the table between us, and started to play with the trigger. He pointed it at me, and then himself. He did that over and over as if it was some sort of game. Then for the first time ever, he just hauled off and punched me in my chest. I was gasping for air, too much in shock to scream, and fearing for my life. He continues to hit me, over and over. Then when I hit the floor, he kicks me. Stomps me like I am a dog. I and am so afaid that the gun that he is still holding in his hand will go off. He beat the h### out of me, and for no reason. He doesn't speak. He just laughs, and I cry. This continues for two days. My famly is worried, they send police to my house. But they never attempt to come in. With each ringing of the doorbell and knock on the door, he holds the gun to my head, daring me to move or make a sound. I wish I could get out of here. When I move, he moves with me. When I sleep, he sleeps. When I wake up, he gets up. I am trapped.

I was saved by his mother...She called him on his cell phone to tell him that his father had just suffered a heart attack and she needs him to come to the hospital. I don't know if it was lack of sleep or what, but he just got up, and left. He put the gun down and walked out the door, got in his car, and left.

After I realized that he was gone, and not coming right back, I ran to my neighbor's house and called my parents and the police. I looked terrible. I had 3 cracked ribs, and I was bruised and beaten mercilessly. I spent 2 weeks in the hosital after it was all over. I feared that he would come, and try to kill me there. All he had to do was slip something into my IV , and I was gone. But he never came. After that I lived in fear for 2 years. Feared that he would come. Feared that I would die. But he never came. That is a terrible way to live. Every birthday he sent a card and flowers for me to my parents' house, and for my daughter, a gift, but still... he never came.

I left that house with only the clothes that I had on, and never looked back. I was ready for anything at that point. Surprisingly, he had all of my things(and my daughter's) packed into a U Haul truck and parked in front of my parents' home.

Two weeks later he was killed. I don't know who, I don't know why. But he is gone. I don't know if I was happy or sad, all I knew was I was no longer scared.
I got the house(one that I could no longer set foot into),the cars, the money in the bank accounts, all because they still beared my name. I sold everything. His son and family got everything else. I was just happy that the little boy would be taken care of.

That was an experience that took me so long to get over, but one I will never forget. When we wish for the "good life", it comes in all sort of packages. I may have thought I had eveything...money...house...cars...those were just THINGS. For those things, I almost lost the most vauable thing to me, my life.

What is your Aphrodisiac?

What is it that turns you on about a person? Their eyes, their smile? For me, it's a little deeper than that. Of course, physical attraction is a must, but what happends after the looks are gone?

Intellect, that's my turn on. I like a man who can hold his own in a conversation. Not meaningless chatter about the weather, or the local news...but true, in depth conversation. Makes me hotter than the Sahara.

I also like the small things ...The way he looks at me when I walk past him. Taking a deep breath, with a slight grin... The way he gently bites his bottom lip on the right when he's thinking (oh those lips...so soft)... The way he smells(his pheremones make me want him)...The way he speaks to me. Like he has scripted evey word...The way he stokes his chin when he's worried (forever the protector)...The way he listens to me, and allows me to make my own decisions, rather than fix the problem for me...The way he holds me at just the right time. Offering me his quiet support. Never saying a word, just being there...The way his eyes seem to sparkle when he smiles...

That's what I like...What do you like?

The Teenage Mind

I work with a group of teenage girls (from age 13-18... from the tougher parts of Dallas...every city has a bad area or two) about twice a week. Every week I give them at least one day to just talk about the issues that they face, and how they try to deal with them, then I try to give them alternatives if needed. I also try to get the parents more involved in these girl's lives. Some of the things these girls talk about would blow your mind! They are able to confide in me, and sometimes keeping their secrets becomes a difficult task, when I know what they are doing is harmful.
I was faced with two hard situations yesterday.

Situation #1:
A few weeks ago, this girl came to me....A 13 year old girl is having sex with a 15 year old boy, and I know the mothers of both kids fairly well(we go to the same church). I talked to this girl and asked if it was okay to sit down and talk to her mom about safe sex, birth control, and abstinence(if she would consider that). She didn't mind. The first question that came to my head is, how can you have a 13 year old daughter in this day and time, and not have already talked to her about sex? But anyway, we are talking, and I can quickly see that this mother is in complete denial. She refuses to even consider what I am trying to say to her, gets upset and leaves with her daughter. Now I would be happy if my daughter came to me and told me that she needed help BEFORE she gets pregnant or contracts an STD! The girl came back to me yesterday and asked if I could take her to get some birth control pills. I instead, gave her a number and contact to one of my friends at the local free family planning clinic, and told her to go see her. She then hangs her head, and as she turns to walk away she says, "I knew you wouldn't do it." I explained to her that I didn't feel right going against her mother's decision, but I was offering her help at a place where she didn't need her mother's permission. She said that she didn't want to go alone.

Now my dilemma is, what should I do? I have a mother that is in denial, and has forbid me to talk to her daughter about sex. On the other hand, I have a young girl who is crying out for help. What would you do in this situation?

Situation # 2
At the end of each Thursday session, we give one girl a change to ask the group a question, and we all come back and discuss our answers the following week. At the end our discussion yesterday, a girl brought up the subject of abortion. She wanted to know who God would hold accountable for the death of the unborn child. She said she already knew that the mother was sinning. But, wasn't the doctors sinning also since they were actually taking the life? And what about the nurses who chose to work at the abortion clinic and prepare the patient for the procedure? I am pro choice when it comes abortion, but this goes beyond that. I feel that every situation deserves a different outcome(When you factor in the some of causes of unwanted pregnancies).
This one had me puzzled. Thank goodness I have a week to think about it!

What are your thoughts on the two situations?

Incognegro!

I chose to have an incognito blog for several reasons. I like to keep some things to myself. This blog is the one thing that I have, that few people that really know me, know about. It's just a little something for me, and I like it that way. Hence the reason I don't post pics. I get a chance to express myself from the inside out, rather than the other way around (like when you meet someone face to face). It's really kind of neat to me.

I have read several posts lately with bloggers giving fellow bloggers a chance to ask 3 questions about them. I liked the idea alot, but some of the questions were off the wall, so instead of I have decided that I will just let you know a few things a about me and in return, ask you the same things...

I live...
A Suburb of Dallas, TX(I own my home) alone(w/my daughter)

I like...
Quiet evenings at home alone( I don't get very many. People are always "stopping by" for something), massages, bubble baths, books, sex (not necessarily in that order)...as you can see relaxtion is something I cherish...my job is high strung. There's always a deadline...But I love it!

Age:
26

Hair Color/Style:
Dark Brown , Long (Curly by nature,straight by choice)

Eye Color/Skin Color:
Brown,Light Skinned(or as we say down here...high yellow), with a tan

Height:
5'1"

Size:
Slim(not skinny) w/curves to make 'em look twice! ( I'm a runner and I try to stay fit)

Single/Dating/Married:
Coupled...at the moment

Kids/Age:
1 Daughter...7

Favorite Food:
Chicken (cooked any way)

Craziest Thing That Has Happened to You:
Getting my a** left in Cancun....
I went to Cancun with a guy, he ended up seeing people we knew, and he left me down there. He was ready for marriage, and I was not into him like that(which he knew), so he was pissed. I guess he thought the trip would change things. My dad got me back home. Then this guy had the nerve to call a week later and make sure I was okay. He said he was testing me and wanted to work things out. I cussed his ass out of course, and hung up the phone! I'm glad I haven't seen him on the street!

College or Not(since we all know it's not for everyone):
Yep...I finished...got my bachelor's(the thoughts of going back for my master's are quickly fading)

Do you do clubs?:
Yes...have to get out! But not too often

Favorite things to do:
Spend time w/my friends and family. My peeps are a wild bunch, and when we get together, it's no telling what will happen!

Favorite Person (living or deceased)...Pick only 1:
I love my mom and my daughter, but I wll have to say my dad( yes I am a daddy's girl). He is open to new things, but very outspoken. He will ask you anything. My friends all have a ball when he comes around because he always has something to say!

One factor In Your Life That affects Daily Decisions:
My child

Favorite Music Artist:
Too Many to Name (I listen to all sorts of Music)

Do you take chances or Play it Safe:
I like to leave things to chance(even though I wonder what might happen)

Spontaneous?:
No, But I like surprises for others!

If you had a million dollars, what would you do?:
Spend It(Duh)!

Okay...enough about me, your turn! You can ask me some questions if you like, but keep it nice! If you can't resist, and you have to ask me something off the wall, email it to me....

The Morning After....

My friends and I had a great party! I have so much work to do, but I am exhausted! Yesterday, I saw the two men I care about face to face. I was really not ready for this moment yet, but it happened. My daughter's dad was running a little late yesterday. He was taking his favorite 'little' girl to the movies. Well, during the time that I was waiting for him, my current boyfriend came over. He said he came early to help me with any last minute details I might have for the party. My daughter does not know him. She came in, and being the diva that she is, she wasted no time introducing herself to him. They hit it off very well. They went into the front room and talked. In the mean time, my daughter's dad rings the doorbell. He walks into the front room and there is daughter is talking to my new beau. I cannot describe the look on his face. My daughter runs to him in her normal overly dramatic fashion. She then introduces him to her new 'friend'. They shake hands, and just stand and stare at each other for a moment, saying nothing, just looking. Both are very nice looking, tall, in shape...What are men thinking at this point?

My heart is pounding because I have never been in this situation. My daughter has never seen me around any other man (other than my friends) except her father, but she was cool with it, He Was Not! My daughter's dad walks to me and asks if he can talk to me alone for a moment. We step into my office. He stares at me with those hazel eyes, and for a moment saying nothing, and I can't breathe( he has always had that affect on me). He begins to rant and rave about my boyfriend being around his daughter! I am not one for drama, so I let him finish. He has had a girlfriend for 2 years, and she has been around my daughter all this time. I never said a word. As long as she is good to my kid, I am cool with it, but why the double standard? He then tells me that he forbids me to see this man or have him around my kid, so now I'm like WTF? Forbid? Is he jealous? Is this just a man thing? I let him know that this man will be in my life(which includes my daughter), and there is nothing that he can do about it. He turns and walks away with a looked of sadness mixed with rage. He walked into the front room where my daughter and boyfriend are, and put on a damn Oscar performace, smiling, telling my boyfriend that it was so nice to meet him, and acting like he is the world's greatest father( he's a good dad, but is all that necessary?).

After he leaves, I fill my boyfriend in on MOST of the details of our conversation, and now he is silent. From the look on his face, I couldn't figure out if he was mad or ready to walk away. (Oh, ye of little faith!) He turned to me and said, "I'll do whatever it takes to love you and that little girl." (and he and my kid just met!) I was alost in tears. I told him that it might be hectic for the next couple of months because my daughter's dad will stop at nothing to get what he wants. My boyfriend then said. "He's never dealt with me. As long as you are down for me, I'll have your back." Damn I love this man!

My friends came over and the party was wonderful. Everyone was behaving and we had a nice time! He made quite an impression on my cirlce....He's in!

As we are cleaning up after the party, I go into my office to turn off the light and noticed a letter on my desk. It was from my daugther's dad, but where did it come from. Had I been so shocked at how he was acting that I didn't notice? I begin to read the letter, and in the letter he is pouring his heart out to me. He is telling me how he wants to try to be a family for my daughter. This letter was written before the whole incident, but he still left it for me. I thought that he was over me, but i guess not. I thought many times in the past that we could work things out, but it never worked! But what about his girlfriend?

I put the letter away with mixed emotions and went back to my boyfriend. He looked at me and smiled. At that moment, all the doubt that I felt was gone. I knew that I had made the right decision and he was the right choice.

I went to bed, but got no sleep. He wore me out, over and over again! Where does he get the energy? We slept for about an hour, got up, took a shower, and he left for work. Now here I am in a zombie-like trance posting about my day. This is going to be a long day...

In the back of my mind, the little voice in my heard keeps saying...what if? I still can't help but think that things could work out for me and my daughter's dad. We were young and not ready for resposibilty when she came into the world. But could it be different now that we are older? I know I'm going to have to talk to my daughter's dad about this at some point, but not anytime soon. I have a lot of thinking to do. I guess I'll just leave this one to time.

Have any of you ever been in compromising situations? What did you do?

Friends and Lovers

Well, Valentine's Day is only one day away. What are your plans for the day set aside for lovers? Will you find someone to spend this special day with, or will you spend it with friends.

I hate it when people get in a relationship, and forget about their friends. They are oblivious to the fact that before they had someone, these were the same friends that were there to help them through the lonely nights. These will also be the shoulders that you cry on if the love affair does not last. Why do people do that?

I make it a point to balance both my relationship and friendships. It's a hard job, but you have to do what you have to do to keep the peace.

Normally, my single friends and I have a "Sweetheart's Day". We get together, have dinner and drinks, and everyone brings at least one old movie or board game that they love. We also bring gag gifts. This year it is at my place, and I spent all weekend on the decorations. I have some great party favors (as freaky as can be)! My mom and aunt aunt will be doing all the cooking tomorrow before everyone arrives (I love my mom's cooking!). I can't wait! We are changing it up a little this year to include both singles, and couples(seeing that I am now in a relationship). For the first time, we are bringing dates. I hope it all goes well. We will get to see how our mates "fit in to our circle". My friend Diva (as I call him) is kind of hard to get along with. You either love him, or you love to hate him. He says exactly what he is thinking, and he is not tactful with his words. Sometimes he can be down right tacky. He is such a drama queen at times! He is one of the most flamboyant gay men that I have ever seen, and loves to be the center of attention. But I love him still. I just hope he is on his best behavior tomorrow.

So, what tricks do you have up your sleeve for Valentine's Day?

If you could get or give one special gift, what would it be?

Previous Cats....

I'm so glad that this week is over! I have been so busy with work that I have had little time to play this week.

It has finally happened. I have messed around and gotten myself into a relationship.WTF! I am a serial dater! I'm not afraid of commitment, I have just chosen to take it easy and love from a distance. But it's here, and I'm falling faster than I ever expected. This man is so considerate. I guess he always has been, but I never took the time to notice. I was so busy protecting myself, that I almost missed out on the one thing that was staring in the face. True Love! He loves me, and shows it daily. He also gives me the space that I need to keep being me. What more could a girl asked for?

My father used to tell us all the time that love is an action word. He said that love kept him near us. Love made him stay and take care of his resposibilities through the tough times. Being the young skeptic, I looked it up in the dictionary. The word love is both a noun and a verb. Growing up, I never really knew what he meant by that, but now I know. Love is not just something that you say to someone that you care about. If you love someone, you show them in your thoughts and actions. It could be something as small as a phone call just to see if you are okay, or a weekend alone.

Do you love completely, or do you protect your heart? Is it really fair to the person that you are with to guard your heart? Have you every messed up a good relationship trying not to protect yourself from being hurt?

Do you truely give your new lovers a chance to feel your love completely, or do you judge them by standards that were set by the way former lovers have treated you in the past?

How do you show your love to others?

The song for the day...Previous Cats by Musiq (hence the title of my post!) Lyrics below.....

First things first girl recognize
Who is wit you now
Second thing, can't blame me for
How you were treated before I came see
I'm not Steven, Anthony even, Leroy or Ivan
Damn girl I've been right there for you
Since day one, so where's all this coming from

See now I'm not to blame for the pain
That was caused by previous cats, yeah
Who had your heart before me, girl no
I'm not to blame for the pain
That was caused by previous cats
You gotta see me for me

Now what is with all the questioning about
Where I've been and why must you roll your eyes
When I say she's just a friend I knew before
Not like I call you Sabrina, Pam or Tanisha
Andrea either. Girl we go deeper then any other
I had before so tell me why you ignore.

Now I don't know
What them young boys did
To make you insecure, but I think you need to let it go
Don't let your past get all in the way
Cause what is here today may not be guaranteed tomorrow
I'm not out of line just speaking my mind when I say that
I put in to much time for another's brother's crimes.

Do What You Do

Well, today I have no thought provoking questions...no dramatic situations....just a busy day! I had to go into the office today to check on my employees, and as usual, they are fine. I took my staff downtown to lunch because they have really been doing a great job.

It feels great to be younger than every employee that you have! I am the youngest manager, and the only female. Young, black, successful! I love it. Minorities are giving the old men in corporate a run for their money. Well, enough of tooting my own horn.

All I'll say for today is, whatever you choose to do with your life, do it BIG, no matter what it is. Make your work have a voice. If you are a barber, be the BEST barber. If you are a songwriter, make your songs MEAN something. If you are a secretary, be good at what you do. If you are good at what you do, you should never have to brag or tell others how good you are. Your work will speak for itself.

Why Do Opinions Mean So Much To Us?

We can say that we don't care about what others think, but if we didn't, why do we listen to what they have to say, and even give it a second thought? Why is it that we as humans, feel the need to be validated?

We always want to know what others think or how they feel. Why do we dress a certain way? Because we like it or because we think others will think it looks nice? Why do we bite our tongues with the people we care about? Does it really help in the end?

We all claim to be independant, but for some reason there is still that underlying need to for approval from someone. Is it true? Does everyone NEED someone? Whether it be a mate, family member, friend...Why do we always make decisions with others in mind? Does this hold us back from the things that we really want in life? Would you change you mind to make someone else happy?

Before I make decisons, I think of how it may affect my family. I have a very close family, so they tend to stay in the loop with things that are going on in my life. So before I make a huge decision, I run it past them. I don't base my opinion on what they feel, because I do what I want to do, I just like to hear what they have to say.

We all blog to express our thought and opinions to others, but why? Do we truely value their opinions, or do we just want to look at our situations from someone else'e perspective in order to make a wiser decision?

Sex or Love? Which Comes First?

I am the type of person who always tries to have a plan for everything. Well, love is just one of those things that you just can plan for. I have been trying to avoid it. Trying not complicate my life right now, but just when I thought I got away, BAM, it hit me right in the face!

This weekend I went on a rendezvous with my "sex buddy". Up until this point we have chosen to block out emotions and just settle for good, back-breaking, pillow biting, sex. He comes by my house like a thief in the night, hits it,and is out before my daughter wakes up in the morning(house rules)!

We haven't gone on a 'date'in about a year, so we decided to do it since neither of us had weekend plans, and my daughter was spending the weekend with her dad. On Friday,we went to this nice little jazzy spot that we had both been dying to check out. The atomsphere was relaxed, it's a nice place to take a date. We went back to my place, and you know what happened from there! I woke up in the middle of the night stunned by this warm body still laying next to me. I nudged him, and instead of leaving, he moved closer and held me. Now this was awkward. Was he staying? I didn't press the issue, I just rolled over and went to back to sleep.

I got up the next morning, and to my surprise, he had already gotten up, taken shower, and was making breakfast. He has everything he needs at my house (toiletries, undergarmets,etc.), at this time, he is the only guy that I am sleeping with... He had been in my house several times, but never like this. I was enjoying him, so I was still silent. I brushed my teeth and jumped in the shower. I slipped on some sweats and pulled my hair into a pontail. I had planned on shopping with my girls, but this distraction was nice, but what would hapend next? Should I cancel my plans? There I go again, trying to plan ahead. I can't be spontaneous to save my life!

We sat down and enjoyed breakfast. The boy can cook! Who knew? After that, we decided that we would spend the day shopping. He went home and got some clothes and then we were off! We had a really great time. We went out to dinner, and decided to make it a Blockbuster night. It was nice. We talked over dinner, and I realized how much we actaully have in common. Normally our conversations are very brief, but now I was actaully interested in hearing what he had to say. This guy is brilliant. As I sat there and looked and his cafe au lait skin(as smooth as chocolate) and gazed into his hazel eyes, I wondered, "where have you been hiding?" I couldn't help but wonder if what I was feeling was real, or was it just a result of good sex?

But anyway, we woke up on Sunday morning, and I decided against going to church. He took me out to his house on the lake, again I say, Who knew? He cooked for me, then we went on a walk near the lake. We actually spent hours just talking. We are so much alike it it crazy! He turned to me to me, looked me in the eyes, and told me that he that he loved me. He told me that he has loved me for quite some time, and was just giving the space that I needed. By now, I have to pick my bottom jaw up off the floor and take a deep breath. I didn't say anything. I just sat there speechless for a moment trying to absorb what was just said to me. he said that he didn't mind that I didn't say it back. Like he had done before, he was giving me time to make my mind up for myself. He was always a gentleman. He respected my wishes. Later that evening, we had the best sex that we had ever had in our almost two years of seeing each other. Was it because I now knew that he loved me? Was this the start of an intimate raltionship? Does intimacy bring about better sexual experiences?

He is gorgeous! He is very successful. He has his sh** straight. Good credit. No kids! Nice house! Has pretty good family values. And he is mentally stable! And most importantly, he loves me. He vowed to spend his time proving it to me, rather than just saying it. He said it had been there all along, I was just in denial, and was afraid of getting hurt. He said that he wants to be a part of my life, and my daughter's life! That's a big step. Even though I am always skeptical, and I try to keep my emotions in check, it would be nice to be in love. I have a lot of thinking to do. So my question for the day is, can love come after sex? or does it have to be the other way around?

Mates....

What is the perfect mate? Do they really exist? I don't think there is a such thing as a perfect mate. I think that we find people that we are attracted to and have something in common with, and work from there. People have the misconception that they can change people, and make them into what they want them to be. Big Mistake! We have to learn to look for those qualities BEFORE we hook up. We're not Potters and people aren't clay!

Through life's Ups and Downs we learn to be better people. As Musiq says,"Your experiences enhance your character." After loving...losing love...and loving again, what have you learned? Does it make you look closer at the new people you meet?

What qualities must a potential(or existing) mate possess for you?
1.Physical
2.Mental
3.Emotional
4.Intellectual

For me...
1)Physical - Taller than I am, clean cut, presentable MOST of the time. Sexy! I really have no choice when it comes to complexion. I am fair skinned, but I like them in all shades of brown.

2)Mental- Mentally stable w/a strong mind. ( I don't need any stalkers). As my grandmother used to say, I was born with the gift of Goodbye. When people are no longer in my life, I realize it is for a reason, and I let them go with no regrets.

3)Emotional- Is not afraid to express himself. Loveable.

4)Intellectual- Can hold his own in a conversation. Motivated. Open to learning new things.

What other things must a mate have for you? Is there something you would like to change about the person that you are with? What are your thoughts?