I'm Not Jealous...Am I?

I got some news yesterday that oddly affected me. My daughter's dad came to me and told me that he was getting married. He said that he wanted to tell me before he told anyone else. He wanted to be the one to tell me. For a moment, I was happy for him. He has been with his girlfriend for a while, so I knew if they stayed together, it would happen eventually. But why did I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I mean, I have a dream man, and I am happy with him, so why do I care so much?

We talked for a while, and he said that she gave him an ultimatum, and he didn't want to lose her. So he did it! He proposed. I felt numb. I don't know where these feelings were coming from. I managed to keep a poker face...I didn't want him to know what I was feeling. The more he talked, the more I realized that he was begging me to stop him. He said,
"My family is my life, and no matter what, you will always be my family. You have my first born and only child at this point. If you have a problem with the whole situation, just let me know. I don't want to hurt you. I thought that no matter what we went through, you would be my wife."

I could have selfishly said, "Well don't marry her then," But I couldn't bring myself to say it. I kept thinking about was my Boo. He is too good to me , for me to even think about betraying him. I actually felt a little guilty about the feelings that I was having for my ex. As fast as the feelings had come, they left. I said, If you love her,and feel like you can't live without her, then marry her". He said, "the sad thing is, I feel that way about YOU not her."

Now, I know what I have to do...I have to make sure this man knows that we could never work. We get along as friends, but as a couple, we would never make it. We are two very different people now. I love my new Boo very much, and will stick by him, and I told my ex just that. He didn't look happy, but he knew that I meant what I said. So he let it go. But why did he have to cry. ( Now mind you that I have only seen this man cry once in my life, the day my daughter was born) He cried silently and finally said..."Then it's done. I'm getting married. " He left my house, and although I was feeling a little jealous at first, I was able to let it go. I think in some twisted way, I just needed to know that he still loved me, and after he told me, I didn't care if he got married or not. I was still first choice...

Later that evening, I still felt a little guilty about how I was feeling earlier, so I told my man about my ex getting married. Was it me, or did he get just a little too happy? He was like, "Are you serious, that's great!" Huh? Did I miss something? When did my man and my ex become such good friends? I knew what the deal was. My man has one BIG insecurity in our relationship, and he is getting married. Now he feels that he has my heart, totally. He took my daughter and I out to dinner at this very nice restaurant. Was he celebrating? I had bittersweet feelings throughout dinner. I was happy because he was so happy, but I was sad because I felt he didn't trust me when I told him that I would never go back to my ex, and I will never hurt him. He noticed my somewhat sour mood. When we got home he said, "We need to talk." (That's one thing I love about him, when he sees a problem, he initiates the conversation, and doesn't run from the situation. He know my moods, and he tries his best address all of my concerns).

Him: Are you sad because your ex is getting married to some one else?

Me:Of course not...

Him Then why do you look so sad?

Then, I had to tell him the truth, and sometimes, the truth ain't pretty. I told him that I was upset because I felt that he didn't trust me the way thst I trust him. He accepted what i was saying, admitted he was wrong, and apologized. ( I kept thinking in my head..Where in the h*** did this man come from? Sometimes he is just too good to be true.) I let it go. After it was all over, we took my daughter out for ice cream...and we were back to our happy-go- lucky selves.

When I got home, I realized that I had left my cell at home, which I never do. My girl with the cheating husband had called and left 3 messages for me to call her ASAP. I tried to call her back at home and on her cell, but she didn't answer. Now I'm worried... Here we go again. So much for my d*** fairy tale ending!

Is there someone from your past that you still think of today?

Do you have someone that you have deemed as a friend, but you wonder what it would be like to be with that person (if it would not mess up the friendship)?

Are you secretly attracted to any of your friends?