I Didn't Think...

I have been doing things that are totally out of character for me, but why did it feel so good to do it?

First off, my man's ex...the one that I fought...the one that got arrested...the crazy b**** sent me a congratulatory card in the mail. The card was pretty graphic. To sum it all up, she basically thanked me for taking the only man she ever loved and she hoped that I had a good life with a few choice words to spice things up.

I don't like to be petty, but she is an exception to my rule. She broke all the rules when she came to my house. So in the true spirit of Luvin Me, I sent her a thank you card and inside was a one way ticket straight to hell. I printed it up myself! I know, I know....but it felt so good putting that in the mail...

Then, yesterday, I didn't feel like doing anything, or talking to anyone. I have so much on my plate right now, I just needed to get away. My family( my parents, my brother, and I) are the ones that everyone else in the family calls when they are in trouble. They say that trouble comes in threes. Well, my family has taken a triple dose of it lately.

My mind was so far gone yesterday that I really lost track of all coherent thinking. I am so used to being by myself, and sharing my life and space with no one other than my child that I tend to be selfish at times and just forget about everything and everyone around me (except her of course). Without much thought, and after hearing my aunt cry to me on the phone for about an hour, my cousins come by for money, my uncle talking about leaving his wife and two kids, my other cousin talking about the baby he has on the way by a chic that he barely knows, and so much more...I strapped my child in the back seat of my car, cranked up my India CD, and hit the road. I had no clue where I was headed, I just had to get away. I only planned to drive for an hour or so and then go home, but I lost track of time.

At the time, I didn't realize that I left my cell phone at home, nor did I care. The last thing I needed to hear was a phone ringing and someone one the other end, telling me their problems. Well, Dr. Luvin Me was out of the office for the evening. After driving for about an hour, my daughter and I stopped to eat. After we ate, we got back in the car, and kept going. I drove for another hour or so, and we were at my family's cabin.

I got there and suddenly got scared...I don't like the great outdoors. What in the heck was I doing? The fear soon subsided. My daughter parked on the couch, right in front of the TV. I sat on a barstool in the kitchen. Thinking, reflecting, and enjoying the peace and quiet. No traffic, no phones, no problems.

After about three hours at the cabin, I was ready to go home. Not one time did I pick up the phone to call anyone and let them know where I was. I started on my journey back home, mentally refreshed....Its' crazy what a few hours of solitude can do.

When I pulled onto my street it hit me. My man had no clue of my whereabouts. I hadn't talked to him since earlier that day. He had to be worried sick. Not once did I think to call him. I was really out of it...

I got to my house and there were cars parked everywhere. I pulled into the garage and was met by my family and his at the back door. He hugged me, and I thought he would never let go. He had a look of worry mixed with relief on his face. They were hugging me like I was a long lost relative. Dang, I was only gone for a few hours...well half the day actually, but you would have thought that I had been missing for months the way they were piled into my house. I looked into the faces of all the people that I cared about. All of the people that had driven me into my frenzy, and I told them that I was tired, and I asked them all to leave. There were a few puzzled looks, but most of them understood and just left.

I didn't realize that I had left everything on in the house. I left, taking nothing but my purse.

After everyone was gone, and my daughter was in bed, I knew I had to face him. I had never seen him this angry. He was livid! He stood there for a moment and didn't say a word. He just stared at me. I didn't know what he was thinking, so I didn't say anything either. He finally spoke and said, "Why did you leave without telling me where you were going?" I didn't answer. He didn't really give me time to. He continued. "How could you just forget that you have a man, and just take off without thought, or question?" I told him that I was stressed beyond the point of discussion, and I just needed to get away. "He said, "Why didn't you just call and tell me that you needed to get away? You had me so worried about you. I thought someone had abducted you and L'il Luvin and I was losing me mind. How could you have so little consideration for my thoughts and my feelings, that it just slipped your mind? What if the tables were turned, and you couldn't find me? Could you handle it?" I couldn't answer. I couldn't cry. I couldn't move. He didn't wait for me to answer. He just said, " I'm glad that you are okay. I'm glad L'il Luvin is safe. I'm glad that my family is fine. Promise me that from now on, when you have a problem, you will come to me." I still didn't speak. Didn't he realize that he was part of my stress too?

All the talk and the preparation for this island wedding. All these people around me needing money, advice, MY time. I wanted to get away from everyone. I had to tell him in a way that he would understand, without hurting him. So I said, " I had to clear my head, or I wouldn't be any good to anyone. Not even myself."

I don't think he understood me, but he accepted what I said. Then he reminded me that "me" would soon be "we", and as his wife to be, he wished that I would come to him when I needed help. That' s one of my greatest flaws. I feel like I have to do things on my own. He reassured me that I was not alone, and even when he is the cause of my stress, I have to let him know. I have to talk to him, and I have to trust the fact that he will do everything in his power to try to make things better.


He has to work this morning, but he'll be back soon. He wants to know what's going on with me. What's in my head. I'm going to let it all out. I have to. Then, as much as I hate to, I have to let go of my family for a while. If I don't, I'll in in the nuthouse! Softspoken was ringing my doorbell at the crack of dawn this morning. He gave me a piece of his mind in the worst way. After he said what he had to say, he hugged me and asked what was wrong. I told him that I was fine. He knew better, but I couldn't risk my man getting upset at me for telling Softspoken all the things that I didn't tell him. After my man left, I let it all out, and I feel so much better. I should have called my best friend in the first place, but as I said before, I was not thinking at all. I know my man would be upset...but some things are better left unsaid. I can't tell him that all I needed was to talk to my friend.

I love my man, without question...But I share something with my best friend that is so special. He has a way of making everything better in my life. I hope I never get to point to where I have to choose between the two of the. I couldn't do it. I will tell him why I just ran away from everything though...

To answer his question, I would be upset if he did the same thing to me. So in all fairness, I have to consider his feeling above everyone else's. I have to give him the same respect that he gives to me. This time I ran away, and when I came back, I had more on me than when I left....But we will be taking some time off very soon, just to get away.

Have you ever just needed to get away?

I know my method was extreme, but have you ever just took matters into your own hands and did what you had to do for yourself?